I suppose it is the human condition – not all of us will admit it but the truth is we could receive hundreds of comments of praise and still be torn asunder by the one note from some miserable soul who wanted nothing more then to ruin someone else’s day. I am an oblivious sort and accepted long ago that I would never intentionally hurt another soul so, if anyone had a problem with what I was doing, well, Fuck ‘Em. And so it has gone with my life. My writing is not everyone’s cup of tea and I’ve even been accused of writing for shock value alone – which is entirely not the case. I don’t like bull shit so I end up coming across as brash to some, especially online where I am at my most courageous (fuck em indeed).
But the older I get the more hurt I am by the intentional attacks on good people from miserable people – especially those directed at me or at those that I love. When I was younger I still had some of the roots in me of feelings of inadequacy and I tended to deal with the haters by secretly believing them. And, don’t get me wrong, there are no more black and white, wrong or right, statements that exist at all but, the truth is, we really do choose misery or we choose happiness. Having grown into that realization the haters now hurt me more then ever but not because I believe them instead it is because I am flat out disappointed in their choosing to take the side of misery.
It greatly disappoints me.
I have been confronted by this, time and time again, since I started in this wonderful adventure with Joe. He has an ex wife and we live in a small town – you guys already know so let us all collectively roll our eyes and share in pitying those that choose misery. I came upon these thoughts when I was working on writing our ceremony the other day. We are not religious, in fact I am flat out against any kind of organized religion and it is when discussing organized religion when you will hear me use the word “hate” the one and only time. We make jokes when we enter churches on which one of us will burst into flames first. You’ll find me running naked in the woods painted in five pointed stars before you’ll see me going to a church service. I tend to thank people for praying for me and have to stop myself from telling them that I will dance around the fire for their future happiness later. I am a burner of bibles and bemoan that fact simply because bibles are such beautifully made books – such a waste on what people do with what is written in them. So this leaves us with a bit of a conundrum on what marriage even means for us as it is a wholly Christian thing here in the United Sates. No one will be handing me over like property and the dress surely has a better chance of being in black or red because the symbol of white pisses me off. In fact, I may not even wear a dress – I will however be all that my man wants me to be, sexy and gorgeous. This is about my publicly giving myself to him and vise-versa so I don’t really care what I wear as long as he is happy. Of course, he would rather I just be naked so I probably will have to put some thought into this – I wish he would just pick something out for me to wear.
(Really the whole wedding thing pisses me off and I hate that I am somehow a part of this disgusting tradition so I think we might have to come up with some other words besides “marriage” or “wedding”)
Anyway, this whole throwing out all traditions does leave me with the problem of, if this isn’t about some preacher trying to save souls and its actually about Joe and I (imagine that a wedding about the two people getting married) then what the hell does that ceremony even entail? Upon a bunch of online research I have come up with two pages of lovely things for our chosen dude/dudette/human-being-with-the-power-to-marry-us to read, I picked out a couple of poems that I added and some not-sappy quotes. I decided that it would be rather epic to do the hand tying ceremony and also exchange rings as proof of our loyalty and a gift to each other. Joe read through the whole thing and flat out told me not to change anything… I’m not sure if its because he doesn’t want to have to read it again or he actually thinks its kind of awesome. I think its kind of awesome so I guess we’re almost there. But there have been a couple of things I am still fighting with – in light of the circumstances I highlighted above I am drawn to one line that is so typical of Christian ceremonies; “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Isn’t that so simple and beautiful?
We don’t realize how toxic and miserable people attempt to tear us down and a part. They’re sneaky and well camouflaged, generally by good intentions that they themselves may even believe. But, in the end, regardless of relation or time, if they are not entirely on board with seeing our relationship thrive then they are no longer welcome in our lives. Period. Which is why I was so drawn to Joe. I have never met another human being in my life who reflected bull shit so completely. Perhaps, “With this tying of the hands there is now no place between these two people, what has now been joined together, let no one separate.” Hmmm, yes, I like that, I think I’m getting closer to finishing it up and moving on to particular plans for the ceremony for next summer or fall.
I’m thinking of putting “shit just got real” at the top of our invitations… if we even have invitations. I hate all of this shit… There has never been a time in my life where I ever wanted to be a bride or participate in what I consider to be a disgusting ritual that has horrible origins in the case of women. Of course – that is not what this is and my opinion of marriage or the wedding ceremony is irrelevant as this is the public ceremonial joining of Joe and I and the two are completely different things. The truth is that I will try for the rest of my life to become the woman that deserves him and the fact the he feels the same about me and wants to express that in front of everyone that we love is a truly incredible thing. This happiness, this glow, this time in my life, is like nothing I’ve ever known and when I think of standing there in front of him, our hands tied, our rings exchanged, I can think of no better moment.
But… what the hell am I gonna wear?