I am sure, like me, you have seen the quote “What you seek is seeking you” at least a dozen or so times now around the internet from facebook to pinterest. I am also certain you have seen/read/run into hundreds of other glorious and uplifting quotes to remind you that you are beautiful, wonderful and that, hell, things are gonna be okay, Honey, because somehow somewhere there is a god/universe/religion that’s got your back and here’s an uplifting and interesting quote to prove it! I find myself drifting away from the ability to even appreciate an uplifting quote anymore a little like, after getting told the same thing over and over and over again I’m just like, “Ok I got it, can we move on now?” Though I have always been an oozer of sarcasm and anything that remotely resembles sentimentality or cliche immediately enacts my gag reflex and anyone who has ever read a blog post by me knows that I am a doubter first and religion lost me long ago.
However, I find I am not in any way unique in the fact that no I do not and will not ever believe in your God/religion but I am very spiritual. “Atheist” will not work as a title for people like me and, it turns out, a vast majority of my generation and the next are beginning to slide into this gray area. No I don’t believe in “God” but I also do not believe in nothing. No I don’t believe in any form of religion but I still bow my head and give thanks. Someday they will have names for people like us and the organization of rules to tell us how to be good people and control us will be a thing of past. Though, many people would say it already is (and has long been) a thing of the past as there is only a very few who actually practice what all of their religion tells them to in a black and white context. Instead, most people choose what they want to reinforce and stand on their boxes crowing so that they may get into their respected “Heavens” while so quietly ignoring all that their religion commands them to do that they do not follow. It seems that most of my generation never got to that part, if they go to church it is as much like getting together for Thanksgiving and having a turkey for dinner, simply tradition with little to no thought or actual substance behind it.
When will the day come, which generation will it be, when even the doubt is gone? Because there is still doubt, there is still a lingering. There are still people in my generation who taught their children to pray and believe in God even though, if push came to shove, they would have to admit that they don’t believe in the rituals at all. But the linger of doubt remains because, in the end, beyond religion or want or belief or intelligence, tradition may just be the hardest to break. If you’re told something over and over and over again and you were raised with it, without explanation, there may always be the linger, the feeling, that somehow it is true. And, honestly, I don’t know if we ever break from the shackles of what we were taught as children, of the tradition of our families, whether it be Catholic, Buddhist, Jewish or Muslin. If the religion was put before us today and we were told to believe in it because . . . well just because it is somehow right above and beyond all of the other religions in the world, we would not believe it. We would not accept it at face value, we would not blindly for some reason start following, we would not teach our children that it is somehow TRUE. In fact, that would be utterly preposterous to us in the same way that if someone told us to go hack a tree down in the middle of winter, bring it in, cover it in shiny lights and shit and put cookies out for a fat guy in a red suit who is going to bring us presents (if we were good) because our savior was born on this day and we need to thank baby Jesus.
I have spent much of my life trying to unlearn everything I was told I was supposed to believe. I work every day to eliminate “supposed to” from my life in every situation. When I find myself following blindly because that “is just how things are done” I immediately break away and ask, is this really the best we can do or are we just doing it because that is how it has been done forever? I respect everyone’s chosen path but my heart bleeds desperately for those that are throwing their lives away as martyrs. Where some people see this world as the falling from grace, the desolation of religion and morals and belief, and the utter destruction of good – I, instead, see growing pains. There is no more painful thing for humanity then the breaking away of tradition, we hold so tight to what have believed because, if it was wrong, oh how much time we have wasted. But there is no wasted time in this world, everything is a process for humans and that is the only indisputable truth that I know. There is a movement, a turning back and inward to see things through open eyes, as though through the eyes of children. Where the thought that we actually know little to nothing may shock and frighten some, it brings me hope as is there no more wonderful a thing then that we live in a world now that we may start a new with the lessons of our ancestors to support us?
What you seek is seeking you is a truth that I read long ago when my own world was dark and miserable. My silent, small voice was watching my world, unfazed by the drama and the tribulations that would change nothing, no matter how they hurt me, she just kept seeking. She kept the light burning and she kept herself ever pointed. What was she seeking? I wanted, I sought something desperately, a meaning, a truth, a home, a person, something. And don’t we all? But few of us regard the quiet truth in us, they speak up so rarely and are so often drown out by the noise of our daily bull shits. But it is always there, the truth seeker, the constant compass in our hearts that points always to growth and peace and life. The truth that led people to the grace of religion, to the forgiveness and the community and the light. The truth seeker is eternal and always tells us to let it be, always reminds us of how little actually matters at all. It always forgives us for getting caught up in the drama and the bull shit, it reminds us that all things pass and so little actually matters at all and it is always there, calling out, seeking.
My seeker has only spoken up a couple of times in my life and it has always been with a gauntlet fall and an utter taking over to remove me from a potentially harmful situation. Seekers don’t fuck around, when my still and peaceful little voice starts screaming at me to run, to change, to get out, to stop whatever I am doing, I bolt. My life changed dramatically a few years ago and my gaze turned entirely inward, I covered my ears and my eyes from the drama and the bull shit and all of the hurt and curled up with my still voice. I was done, I wanted to be quiet and still and pointing in the right direction again. She always believed that what she/I sought was also seeking us and I realized then that I still did too, and, for the first time truly in my entire life and with my entire being all I wanted was peace and love and life. I had sowed my wild oats, I was ready to stop wasting time, I was ready for my life to start.
Joe drove up my driveway and my seeker stirred beside me. She looked at him and smiled when I was so sad I didn’t know how she could smile. But, of course, my seeker was never bothered by any of the trivial shit that had brought my life into sadness, she had been seeking life and peace without distraction. It felt as though our seekers reached out and clasped hands long before we did. Joe was the one she had been seeking for us and I was the one his seeker had been looking for. It was a great relief to us both to have found each other but our seekers would say that time is a figment of our imagination, that no second is a waste in our search for love and life and peace, that every moment lived before brought us to this moment and that this a journey of growth. All things, all actions, are necessary. Often I feel her quietly gazing his way and I join her from time to time (when I remember to not be distracted by the bull shit of the here and now) and I am filled with love and peace.
I do believe, if I was forced to call myself something in regards to my “religion” I would proudly say that I am a Seeker.