“Are you honestly still here, in a situation where you are unhappy, to get back at someone? Is it what they said about you? Is it the lies they spread about you? Is it society telling you that you MUST save face and get them back? Are you really trying to tell me that getting them back will accomplish anything? Trust me, they’re miserable, they are slimy underfoot creatures that live and breath and eat bull shit on a day to day basis, they have no integrity, they blame others for their own failures. So they got some slime on you – trust me, it washes off, it might take awhile, you might be angry a long time – but it washes off.”
Its a common notion. We’ve all done it. Been up all night, our hearts pounding madly in panic, as our brains reminded us of all the horribly embarrassing stupid ass shit we’ve done since we could remember being stupid. As I’ve grown older stupid shit that I’ve done has become more and more irrelevant, even shit I’ve done that people have been hurt for. As long as I didn’t intend to hurt anyone I figure that hurts on them. We all do stupid shit and I do the best I can not to do stupid shit – that’s pretty simple. I sleep at night with that principle and it seems to have worked for me now that I’ve grown older and out of my need to not look stupid in front of other people. Now a days I’m just really excited that I usually don’t do stupid shit and I call it a win. I also chalk that up to maturity – I firmly believe most people just don’t care – they’re really worried about not doing something stupid too, we’re all in the same boat. I mean, common, I’m a girl, we’re known for literally tripping over nothing and that’s okay.
There are other reasons we don’t sleep. Anger is a big one. The most common angry reason people keep themselves up at night is simply what we don’t do. We let that asshole do that to us. We should have said this. Let me lay here (when I have to work in 5 hours) and come up with 159 things I SHOULD have said that would have been AMAZING. That’s a toughie and something I still do. I find, at least for me, my principle for dealing with this issue is similar to my stupid shit principle. I just try my best not to do it. Often times saying what you would have wanted to say (or even should have said – so you think) was probably not the best way to handle the situation anyway. Would anything really have changed the outcome if you had said something AMAZING? Or would everything be exactly as it is right now – except, of course, how you feel about yourself? Be aware, breathe, see these situations coming, be prepared to think quickly. The point isn’t to say something that you should have said but be prepared to make the CHOICE in what you say. When you’re not gobsmacked, when you’re prepared, it won’t matter what you say, you’ll feel all right at the end of the day and it won’t keep you up at night.
I do find now-a-days though, with age, has come an exchange in what keeps me up at night. No longer do I lay around hating myself for stupid shit that I’ve done. Instead, if I’m kept up, it’s raging or hurting over stupid shit that has been done TO me or horrible things I’ve seen other people do. Things I shake my head at in disbelief, things I wouldn’t believe unless I had seen them, things I want to ask, “Are you fucking serious?” Things that have shaken my belief in humanity to the core ”How do you even look yourself in the eye in the morning?” Things that make it easy for me to believe how corrupt this country has become, “Why did you have kids then if you aren’t going to be a parent?” Things that make no sense to me at all, “Do you know what you just said about that person? I honestly cannot believe anyone would have used those words about someone else unless that other person had literally killed at least one of your close family members.”
I think what really leaves me feeling the most unimpressed with humans these days is their complete disregard and respect for even their own words. Words are powerful to me. If I leave any kind of legacy on this planet, it will be with my words. I respect words and I have made the horrible mistake of remembering what people say and expecting them to stand by it. People seem to wallow, fester and feed off of lies and rumors. I’ve gone days (even weeks) of conversations in my social life where I am absolutely certain that not one word I heard was anything but complete and utter bull shit. Even to the extent that when those words were quoted back to the speakers – they deny they even said them, or try to twist them. And my head cocks again like a confused puppy and I ask, “Huh? WTF? Do you have so little self respect that you would rather spew vomit then words that you would stand behind? Do other people scare you so badly that you would rather speak bull shit and not even stand behind someone you said was your friend or even your own self?”
It’s not something I am able to comprehend easily. How can someone you’ve bashed (aggressively, horribly, nazi-like) behind their back be your best friend (someone you now say you “love”) tomorrow? (You can’t possibly know what the word “love” actually means.) That doesn’t work with me. That leaves me feeling used and dirty just being around it. I’ve gotten to the point now in this world that all I trust is what I see of people. Unless there is proof I don’t want to hear it and, if its none of my business, why are you telling me anyway? I’ve also got to the point now where even if it’s someone I dislike I won’t abide a bad thing said about them unless there is proof – I will even defend them. People lie and wallow in such shit – I am at a complete loss of words. I honestly can’t believe it. Do people really do this? Would you really believe that horrible thing about someone from someone else, from someone else who doesn’t even like them? Why would you say such a terrible thing? Honestly, I don’t believe that you could possibly know what those words actually mean because, trust me, you’re shaming actual terrible events right now. You’re embarrassing yourself – you’re actually bringing me to the conclusion that you didn’t finish high school, that you’ve never picked up a dictionary. How could you ever use the word love or hate in such a way? Where is your respect? Do our lives actually mean so little?
At some point you start to realize that there needs to be better people in this world because you don’t want to spend the rest of your life alone – but you have too much integrity for any of that. Well, you can trust me when I say that – There is. Don’t wallow with them. Let em talk. Let em threaten. Do your best to clean their badly placed and absolutely horrible words from your skin. Don’t respect their words when they don’t. Don’t believe them when they’ve proven that tomorrow they’ll believe something else. Go do whatever it is you want to do – don’t invite bull shit to your party. Find people who stand by their words. Find people who, when they say they are your friend, will stand by you and support you – no matter who you’re against, no matter how much of the crowd will hate you. You deserve that and to give it right back to them. In the end realize that because of their disrespect of themselves, there is nothing you need to do. All you can do is try to become a person that is worth defending. Be someone worth standing beside.
You’ve probably proven it already. Your car is right there and the keys are in your pocket. What is stopping you from driving away? Or from walking away? Who is it that convinced you that you need to be a part of this situation that you don’t want to be in it? Society’s rules only apply to you when YOU apply them to you – they don’t exist otherwise. You don’t have to answer the phone. You don’t have to be nice. You don’t have to pretend. You’re not that into him – drive away. He’s not treating you right – drive away. It’s okay – there are other people on this planet – he doesn’t have to be right for you, neither one of you has to change. Just stop answering the phone and move on – the rules don’t exist. You don’t have to do this “right” you CAN just quit. And when there is no more future to be had in this situation – why don’t you? Is it rules of etiquette? Are you afraid of hurting people? Are you afraid of what society will say about you?
Fuck em. Yeah. That’s. Right. Fuck em. This is your life. That is your car. You can ALWAYS drive away.
Are you honestly still here, in a situation where you are unhappy, to get back at someone? Is it what they said about you? Is it the lies they spread about you? Is it society telling you that you MUST save face and get them back? Are you really trying to tell me that getting them back will accomplish anything? Trust me, they’re miserable, they are slimy underfoot creatures that live and breath and eat bull shit on a day to day basis, they have no integrity, they blame others for their own failures. So they got some slime on you – trust me, it washes off, it might take awhile, you might be angry a long time – but it washes off.
Fuck em. Fuck the rules that say you have to do anything. Get in your car, start it and drive away. Time to make your own rules and time to base them on how YOU feel and what YOU want to do. There will be people that point and yell and try to destroy you for stepping out of the rules, “How dare you!” I can’t really see any reason why you would waste your time on them. It takes one email to put one person away. One phone call. One word. Or, even better, complete silence. You’re gonna piss people off – fair enough. Let em be mad. You may even get threats for doing what you want to do. People will never hate anyone more then the person that tells them that being unpopular doesn’t scare them. The people that changed the world were never the ones that followed the rules. Even if you don’t want to change the whole world, you will never change your own world following the advice of people who lie and you have to change your own world first before anything else can change.