“Honey, don’t ever take it personally, just leave them with their porn and go find someone interested in something real instead and don’t believe anybody when they tell you that it’s perfectly natural because, in your heart, you’ll never believe them anyway. Porn is for folks afraid of the rejection that exists in the real world, for the lazy who don’t want to put the time in to a real person and for the selfish who only want to receive pleasure and never give it. People like you, on the other hand, will know pleasure far beyond what anyone like them could ever imagine.”
I have a pretty distinct memory of my mom and older brother trying to have the “sex talk” with me about three years too late. By the time I was 11 I was writing full fledged sex scenes and learning how to “Sext” over AOL Instant Messenger, lying about my age, and enjoying being several different women online whenever the hell I felt like it. (By the time I was 13 I dubbed the people who sext on IM as too immature for me and I moved on to RPGs so I didn’t have to include anyone who was real) I totally expect the kids of today to be at least 2 years ahead of me which means 9-year-olds are probably enjoying the full gauntlet of sex on the internet with absolutely no idea about any of it accept that being turned on feels good (and that should make them embarrassed and feel terrible about themselves). Hark – was that the sound of millions of horror filled gasps? I just can’t figure out why 9-year-olds learning about sex would be horrible. What I find horrible is that our society would think that that’s horrible. What I also find horrible is the still non existent conversation that runs rampant in our society about sex. We all do it – why is it not ok? Why would anyone feel shame about this? Has Christianity really ruined us this deeply!?
So, here it is, if I were a 9-year-old this is the list I wish someone (anybody) had given me:
#1 Sex is AWESOME! And I can’t wait until you’re old enough to do it with somebody who wants to do it with you because it is cool to the five hundredth degree! And by AWESOME, I mean totally AWESOME, you should look forward to this, plan it, be careful and find someone who you can fully enjoy it with you because, quite frankly, it is the ONLY real perk about being an adult… But it’s worth it!
#2 There are parts of a female’s body that serve no purpose except for pleasure. That’s right, you heard it girl, all that shit about you being worth nothing except for your breeding ability is absolute fucking bull shit. If it is true that God made you exactly how he wanted the female body to be made, then he wanted you to enjoy sex for no other reason except for pleasure.
#3 Everybody does it and everybody wants to be doing it. And that’s the truth of it all really. There is no shame to be found here, your body is beautiful and sharing your beauty as well as your own ability in giving pleasure will bring more fulfillment to your life then you could ever imagine. There is no shame here and anyone who might make you feel shame for anything your body does or looks like does not belong in your life and needs to grow the fuck up.
#4 Be safe. I have to add this though by now (even at 9) I know full well how much horror and disgust that has been slammed into you over and over and over again by this society on how sex will absolutely destroy you. It is true that sexual transmitted diseases really exist and can really do tremendous damage and (gasp) even kill you. However what this society has done with that truth has been nothing short of astronomically nuts. Be safe, use condoms, have sex with only people you know well and trust, get yourself on birth control and have fun because, trust me, it won’t be any fun if you’re worrying about either getting herpes or pregnant and, frankly, I’m not sure which is worse.
#5 Birth control really does work. Take it from me, I’ve been on birth control for 12 years and never had a single scare. ANYONE who would claim that, when using birth control correctly, that they “somehow” got pregnant anyway is LYING. Women are completely liberated and there is no excuse and no accidents anymore.
#6 Abstinence is absolute fucking bull shit. Abstinence does not work. Abstinence creates pedophile priests who fuck little boys because our bodies are meant to be giving and receiving sex in all of its glory. Don’t kid yourself, and don’t believe anyone who would tell you any differently. Abstinence education has been causing teen pregnancy rates to sky rocket because what they don’t tell you, what you won’t realize until you get there, is that sex is fucking AWESOME. Don’t kid yourself, be prepared to have sex even if you want to believe that you’re going to be abstinent because, quite frankly, you won’t be and you shouldn’t want to be. All scientific research points to one solid fact, a healthy sex life is not only the way people are supposed to live but it is paramount to our physical health, our mental health and our emotional health. If you want to be happy, expect to have a lot of sex (whether with a partner or just your own self on a quiet Thursday night) because it is GOOD for you.
#7 There is nothing gross about another human’s body. We are what we are. We are sweaty, disgusting, smelly, nasty, weird looking, pink things that, when naked, really look VERY goofy. Any guy (or gal) that would, IN ANY WAY, make you feel like there is something weird or odd about your body you NEED TO THROW OUT OF YOUR LIFE IMMEDIATELY. There is no room for knock downs in the bedroom, we’re all funny looking and pretty soon here (when you discover porn) you’ll have a hard time believing just how different even nipples are from one person to another. It’s astonishing actually and yours are just as awesome as everybody else’s – I promise. And this one goes both ways, if there’s something different about a body that you’re trying to enjoy, that you just don’t like – that’s okay, but don’t knock them down for being different. Think of us as puzzle pieces, we’re not all gonna fit just right, the more mature someone is, the more they accept that and even love it so find somebody else who knows it.
#8 Porn is serious bull shit. Just like in most movies these days where everything is so exaggerated beyond what is our actual reality – porn has taken it to another level. As a girl you might be relieved to know that most penises are not actually that big and most breasts in porn are not real. I’m actually bringing up porn not to remind you of what you already know but to worn you on guys who watch it and keep it. It has been my experience that people who enjoy A LOT of porn are WAY more likely to cheat and, if they let it get bad enough, won’t be able to enjoy sex without it. It is damaging and addicting and I’m bringing it up because, Honey, don’t ever take it personally, just leave them with their porn and go find someone interested in something real instead and don’t believe anybody when they tell you that it’s perfectly natural because, in your heart, you’ll never believe them anyway. Porn is for folks afraid of the rejection that exists in the real world, for the lazy who don’t want to put the time in to a real person and for the selfish who only want to receive pleasure and never give it. People like you, on the other hand, will know pleasure far beyond what anyone like them could ever imagine.
#9 Sex is very personal. Whether it is a one night stand or just friends enjoying each other it is still extremely personal. Anyone who gives you pleasure is literally giving you a gift (and vice-versa). Giving lovers should be cherished, they’re hard to find and easy to fall in love with and that goes for when you give yourself pleasure as well. It is a gift to yourself, bestow it properly and with love and don’t give that gift to anyone who doesn’t deserve it!
#10 Sex with someone you love is the greatest physical sensation in existence. Or – at least IT SHOULD BE. Fantastic sex takes maturity, confidence, acceptance and kindness – what you already want in someone. If they are missing some of those traits, then the sex will be disconnected and that is a good sign that that person is not the one for you. But if you pair those wonderful traits and the love of two people, the only real word I could use to describe the sex would be – TRANSCENDING. The kind of AWESOME sex people don’t want you to know about because even though everyone is having sex everyone is still telling everyone that we shouldn’t be having sex.
Sex is the only thing two people have (unless you’re swingers and this blog post is already too long for me to get into that) that they don’t share with anyone else. It is the only opportunity you have to give them something that no one else has ever given them – the pleasure that only you can give. You’re own special brand – you in a position as entirely vulnerable, entirely present, entirely there’s, no judgement – just love – with no clock ticking. There is no greater gift as it is one of pure acceptance and pure give. It is tangible love that can be tasted and smelled and touched. It is what I am so excited for you to experience for the first time because it’s going to blow you away. But it is not something everyone experiences and it really does take a lot of living to be able to get to a place in your own self to experience it and, not to mention, find someone else who is also capable of that kind of vulnerability and presence.
Good luck my girl! Sex is not scary! Know that you are beautiful and it’s gonna be AWESOME!
Why aren’t we teaching our kids this stuff?