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So, we are almost upon it now. In six days the golf course is going to be auctioned off. I told myself that I can smoke without remorse or regret until that day. I told my mom I plan to be sitting on the top of the back of my car with a bottle of jack and two packs of cigarettes as the auction starts. I wish I was there now, wrapped up in a winter coat, sitting in the sun in these last few beautiful fall days. I wish we were there because I am so tired of the not knowing. Even if it’s bad news, even if it doesn’t sell or doesn’t sell for enough, at least then we’ll finally be past Saturday.

Wake me up when October 16th is over

Let’s recap shall we? Let us just dive right in and understand the full extent of my weariness and grief right now. This spring, my boyfriend left me, making null and void the past seven years of my life. This summer we put our house on the market, it is still on the market, let us just throw up all over sickening truth. This summer the bank told my mother that they will start foreclosue proceedings on the golf course at the end of October. After way too much time passed (the cluster fuck of our lives it seems) we finally got it with a realter and the auction date set. Meanwhile mom and I are living on so little it is shocking. Meanwhile, she still is not divorced from my father and that remains the deepest, longest lasting cluster fuck of our lives.

So

Joseph (my ex) told me that the biggest grief in my life is not what is happening but how long it has taken. It is how long we have been sitting here in limbo, trying to get my mother divorced, trying to get something sold, waiting to begin our lives. He’s right, this is my most profound grief. First I was waiting for the divorce, waiting for my house to get finished, waiting for the golf course to sell, still waiting for the divorce, still waiting for my house to sell. I am tied to a chair and so exhausted from attempting to escape the waiting. So exhausted from trying to FORCE something to happen. Anything, anything at all.

Chris G inspires

Up until two days ago I was floating along, grinning stupidly because I was working on my sequel. Not just writing, but truly writing. I owe this to the inspiration  was given by the incredible Chris G in Fargo for a book signing. He and the other folks who were there made me feel like such an accomplishment. But, as I always say, “It’s only worth what someone would pay for it.” If that’s true in some metaphorical way in people than I feel like I’m worth nothing.

I feel as though I have so little to show for my twenty four years that I can barely handle it. All of my effort and time was put into my father and the golf course and then it was put into Joseph and our house. Now is the time for me to play catch up but I can’t help but know that I can’t get those years back. And I have no one to blame except myself.

My Sequel

I have been working on the sequel to Embraced by Darkness. Right now, I’m considering a title. I really want it to start with an S. The first book was called “Sacrifices” I’m thinking about calling the sequel “Stricken”. Take note here, it’s not exactly a sequel. I’m not officially calling it a sequel. It’s really just the conclusion of Book One. So, hell, maybe I should just call it “Conclusions” and get it over with.

Writing and Really Writing

I have found that while I’m writing there are two different gears that exist for me. The first gear is Working Writing. this state is where I know where I’m going, what is next and I just have to get to it. The second state I call Real Writing where the words and the story themselves are inspiring me. As I’m writing I’m coming up with parts and sub plots that not only need to be included but also, make the book better. These are the “aHa!” moments that writers write for. They aren’t common, maybe 40% of what we do is “Real Writing” when we’re first writing a book, the rest is just work. Once the first write is down that drops down t 20% and after that the “Real Writing” moments are few and far between.

But Real Writing is also scary. Will it ever happen again? Will I ever be inspired again? Or will this all just be work? My hacking my way through my outline? Where is my muse? Well, to be perfectly frank, I do not have a muse. For me, the inspiration has always come from my characters and my story. Each writer is very different but I think that, for the majority of us, the only way to find that “muse” is to get to writing. No matter what.

I’ve been reading my own blog a little and it’s become so damned self centered that it’s really almost embarrassing. Good grief, if any of you have actually held in there with me on this long, long journey into complete wallowing, I don’t know why you kept reading, but I thank you for your support. I’m not really trying to be hard on myself. Writers are self centered people. We just are. Whether it’s a blog, or poetry, or a novel, we write alone and it can’t be because we don’t like the company. I’m too much like my father, wallowing comes pretty naturally to me (lol, as if you hadn’t noticed). Now that summer is winding down I plan on spending more time here, supporting you writers who have kept with me all these long months.

The Unconventional Book Tour

I got to meet Chris Guillebeau on Tuesday night at 7:00 in the gorgeous Zandbroz bookstore in downtown Fargo, ND. If you have not been to a Zandbroz you absolutely must make a point to go, they are wonderfully eclectic (the good eclectic way, not the weird eclectic way). The meeting was more of a “get together” than anything formal which was, of course, the most wonderful thing about it. There weren’t many of us. I must make a point here to say how welcoming Chris was and how warmly he came across. Whenever someone new came into the room he went to them, shook their hand, looked them directly in the eye (seeming to make a point to try and mesmerize their face), told them welcome and asked them their name. I have never received such a welcome from an author at a signing in my life and you know I have attended a thousand and one book signings. It was, not surprisingly, very unconventional.

During the book signing Chris talked for a little while and then we all carried on a conversation for nearly two hours. It was interesting and fun, though, I’ll admit, it was very hard a times. Chris asks very specific questions, the kind of questions that only someone truly interested in your life asks. Stuff not even your family asks. I told him I was a writer, that I had finished a book and he wanted to know all about it. No, he really did. He wanted to know. And everybody is looking at me. *Covers head* I told them how long my beast was at the end of the first real draft. You guys all know about this already. 260,00 words is insane, I don’t tell most people that. I was not proud of that book. It was very hard to say that, knowing I was probably being judged, knowing some of them had to have been thinking, “Total bull shit” and maybe everyone thinking that I was gloating. Nightmare.

Oh well, that’s how life is. In the end, I just hope I didn’t come across as being such a beaming, starry eyed fan. It was really refreshing to be around other unconventional people. I’m glad I was honest with Chris, you all probably know from this blog that I’m not good at being anything but BLUNT (oh but, maybe in a nice way . . . ) Oh look at that, I’m now posting the first picture ever to my blog. Are you wondering why, after all that excited squealing, that I didn’t post the picture I got with me and Billy Collins? Well, it’s because I was trying to instruct the poor guy who was taking the pictures, so my mouth was half open and, simply put, I looked like a dork on top of looking like a grinning idiot because I was standing next to Billy Collins. Oh well again. At least I have the photo I guess. I remembered to keep my damn mouth shut in this one so it’s not quite so horrific. If any one of you have noticed the link on the right going to my photography, hearing that I am obsessive about taking a good photo of myself, will not surprise you.

Fall in Minnesota can be absolutely stunning. We have a very short fall and sometimes, it seems, no fall at all. But, this year, so far we’ve had two weeks of absolutely perfect fall weather. The leaves have changed and are beginning to scatter, the days have been cloudless and stark blue as only Minnesota fall sunshine can create. This is too stark for photographs to capture but I love it in every way. I haven’t updated in a while (been so damned busy) but I am beginning to return to me and that includes my writing and my blog is part of that, part of me.

I am not over the grief in my life but I have found maybe an acceptance now that I can live with. What’s past is passed. I remain indignantly unhappy about so much that has been so unfairly done to me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I am learning to let it go. I picked up some very bad habits from the people in my life, most specifically the man that used to be in my life (though he is still influencing me I am trying to be conscious of it and stop it before it starts). I used to believe that things worked out, I used to be happy in any situation. I have learned now that regardless of the situation if I am not happy, that is my own fault. I cannot allow the opinions of others to convince me that there is nothing to be happy about or that my opinions of living for dreams and happiness are romanticized.

News

I have done a lot in the past few weeks. I got to meet my all time favorite poet Billy Collins. I got to hear him read and I was totally blown away. He is funny, he is the proof that we can do what we want with our whole hearts and we will be happy and successful. I had become almost convinced (though never entirely) that money was the only object to work for. I would rather be broke and living in a trailer park, doing what I love than any other conceivable alternative. Coming upon this knowledge now, though it has always been true about me, is a realization in myself that I needed and will change my actions from here on out for the better.

Unconventional Book Tour

I have been following Chris Guillebeau (http://chrisguillebeau.com/) for a while now. I just got his new book in the mail and read it in three days flat. I think I’ve mentioned him in my blog before but I must say that there is no one better in existence as a role model than Chris. Maybe not for everybody, but totally for me. The idea that there is nothing stopping me from getting what I want out of life accept my own fears of change and the constant pressure to conform by the rest of the world. I’m already vastly more unconventional than the usual person, but lately, with the break up, and the loss of the golf course, I had lost all motivation and hope.

One of the chapters in his book is devoted to finding out what you want out of life and perusing it in every way. A lot of the things I was considering doing over the next few years, I realized, were things that I was doing out of the fact that I had been so burned trying to live unconventionally that it just made sense to take a break and do something conventional for a while. And then I realized that it was not at all my unconventional choices that destroyed me but it was the person I had chosen to do them with. He hadn’t been capable of living like that and it had destroyed him and he had convinced me that all of our choices had been the worst conceivable idea possible. Of course, I never truly felt that way until he had convinced me otherwise. I realize now that I no longer agree with him and never truly did. And I will be fucking damned if anyone can convince me of anything ever again. With those attitudes infecting me I had been convinced that I was horribly wrong, not only about my choices over the last few years, but about my entire way of living life. I finally see now why all of this had destroyed me so badly, why my faith in myself had been shattered so completely. But I don’t have to agree with him and I never did and never will again.

What we want

Chris talked about the tremendous amount of time we waste every day doing things that we don’t even want to do. He works like a beast and, according to Chris, if you want an unconditional life you must be willing to work your ass off for it. However, he takes one day off every week, no TV, no phone, no internet, no matter what. He also suggests in his book to write down everything that you did today and start crossing things off that you don’t want to do that you don’t even need to do and to then put that time into implementing your plan to change your life so you can always be doing only the things that matter. And in this case, there is nothing that we can’t do, no matter what everyone else says.

I am working on it

Everything I’m doing now, including the couple cigarettes I’m still smoking a day, I am making a conscious effort to first think, “Do I want to do this and, if I don’t, what would happen if I don’t do it?” If the answer is that I not only don’t want to do it and I don’t have to, then I find a way to never be in a position ever again to feel the need to do it.

I am working on my big plan. My one month plan, my six month plan, my one year plan and my five year plan. It is time for me to start working toward what I want and no doubt or depression or fear will get in my way.

A few days ago my mom asked me to go golfing with her. The evening was just singing glorious fall. I said no and then asked myself, “Why not? Do you want to?” I did want to. I said no because I was depression and wallowing and not wanting to leave the house. “Mom, wait up, I’m coming with you!”