I’m not a smoker. Having said that, I do smoke sometimes. But always in the worst of times, usually when I am so angry all I can see is rage and all I can hear is my heart beat. The worst the days ever got to was a 4 cigarette day. I had a day this week that was a 7. And though I have only bought myself 1 pack of cigarettes in my whole life, and only smoked a couple to stay awake on a hard drive and then gave them away, this week I bought my own pack. That pack is already gone.
This was the worst week of my life.
I can only laugh at myself for the foolishness of thinking five years ago “next year will be better!” And then four years ago, “Next year has to better, how could life be worse?” And the mantra had continued, every year my parents went through the divorce, my mother slipped further into financial ruin, the house he and I bought for a “quick remodel” remained unfinished and I remained separated half the year by a 1,000 miles from the man that I loved. How could ever next year be any worse?
It just wasn’t possible.
That’s what I thought last year. I honestly believed that this year: 2010 would be a better year. A year to end the many wars that we’ve been fighting for so long. The year to become unshackled; when all the costs and tears that we paid would finally be justified. What’s so fucked up is that that is still right but in all the wrong ways.
My boyfriend has set me free.
I haven’t blogged the past week because I had no words. I honestly considered not telling you, letting you know about my book that life is hard etc. But that would have been a lie. How can I not tell you the future I had worked so hard for now no longer exists? How can I try to pretend that this wont affect me as a writer?
The book I’m reading now (the 4th book of the Dark Tower series by Stephen King) has a force in it that they call Ka. Could be God, could be fate, whatever, doesn’t matter, they believe in it so that makes it real. The doomed girl, the gorgeous lover who would never see her 17th birthday was spoken to once by her father before his death. He told her that Ka is like the wind, nothing can stop it and it will blow your whole life away in an instant, regardless of your desires, your plans or your screams.
I have been blown away.
I traveled for three days in a state of disbelief. Of all the fights, of all the good times and the bad, honestly, I never thought that he would do this to me. Truthfully, I thought it would be the other way around up until just a few weeks ago. I made the commitment to him in my heart. Made the commitment that was far deeper and important for me, something he may have never known about. The commitment did not change our lives together. But it did change who I was. I was no longer the doubter or the girl who feared regret. I made the decision (and it took years) to truly try to change for him, to no longer wonder, no longer doubt, ever. I made the decision to stay with him for better or worse.
If you’ve ever been in love you know that this happens and it is despite your actions. Some people marry, some people love without ever truly stepping into this kind of commitment-or not needing to. But, when it happens, there is a peace that follows. A relief that the decision had been made and the shocking truth that it is, somehow, something you can live with and not the end of the world or the chance for regret. Taking the leap: no fucking regrets no matter what.
I regret
trying so hard that I had taken myself to that place of commitment. I regret with all of my being. Being there was being blind, was being certain, was having faith in something I should have known was coming. But, of course, I didn’t, I let myself kneel down in the middle of the highway and was surprised when I was hit by a semi. Love makes you certain. Commitment makes you certain.
Of all the things I doubted (us not wanting the same things, blah, blah, blah), all those things that I had worked through and stayed. He got to them much later than me and he couldn’t stay. A part of me respects him. He’s doing what I didn’t have the courage for. Or, at least, not yet. A part of me is proud of him because I know he had to come a long way to get here. I was along for the journey, fuck how I know how far. When I met him he wouldn’t have been capable of this. I know him and I know who he was better than anyone else who has ever thought they knew him. He wouldn’t have been capable then of seeing himself so clearly, his life so clearly. He wouldn’t have been capable of saying, “I need to go out and figure out who I am. I’ve never been free to make a single choice for myself.” And that’s the same thing I’ve been saying since the beginning.
The very same. Taste the fucking irony.
Oh but I hate him. As much as I understand, I hate him for leaving me. And, the house isn’t quite done and God knows how long it will take to sell, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get to see it. We’re a modern couple. I’m going back in a few weeks to a town that I hate worse then I ever knew I could hate anything, to finish that dog damned house. With him. If there was any chance that this was going to be the quick rip off of a band-aid, it certainly wasn’t right now, before the house sold. There is a huge part of me that wants to get on with my life and I can’t yet. I am doomed to many weeks of certain grief.
I’ve cried so many times for this moment when it’s been so close in the past, I guess I just don’t have anything left to weep. But I want to. I want to cry so badly my chest aches constantly.
I feel like a dead star.
He’s changed his status on Facebook to “It’s Complicated” I can’t yet bring myself to change mine to “Single” I wonder when I’m going to do that. When is the time? Do you stop grieving first or find someone to help you forget? Every part of my life has him in it. Everything. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have someone leave you if you were married and sharing a house full time together. Right now I can just pick up a few things and make the last drive back to Minnesota; where my real home always was. And maybe that’s what destroyed us in the end. My home was never with him. I want to believe that, want to have something concrete to say “this is why” but the truth is Joseph’s facebook status “It’s complicated”. But it is concrete, we want different things. We’re perfect for each other, we are best friends that share everything but we want different everythings. And that’s the end of the story.
If only it were that simple.
In the end I feel betrayed, rejected, unwanted and stabbed in the back by the person I had come to depend upon the most. These are normal I think but knowing that the relationship I had with Joseph, something I thought of as so unique and special, has been degraded down to “its normal” may be the hardest thing of all. Every one thinks their relationships are special. Maybe I’m just an ignorant fucking kid with her head in the clouds. He told me tonight, tried to argue, “We are special. I never want you out of my life. You’re my best friend, think of everything you and I walked away from still friends.” But these feelings I’m having are not special. They are normal and they are black as hell. Tomorrow I’m going to buy myself another pack of cigarettes and think again of what I did tonight. Watched the Sex and the City movie with my mom, now single, my aunt, now also single: two women who have been destroyed by men more times than I can count. With one phone call from him, I have now joined them. It is the saddest thing I have ever experienced. There was no holy dark tonight and I can’t see there ever being any holy in my life again.
But I want to tell you something that happened to me three days ago. You know my outline for my book has been sitting on my desk all this time. The changes I needed to make on the last read through. Maybe just for the sake of doing something other than sitting and being sick with tragedy (I never thought I would be able to actually get any writing done) I picked up that outline and went back to my Embraced by Darkness. For the first time since the entire truly horrible week; His face slipped away. He wasn’t in those pages. The one thing that wasn’t entwined with him in my entire life was my life’s work, my Embraced by Darkness. The book that I began writing to escape my lonely and hard life as a girl was the book I escaped to again in my lonely and hard days as a woman. I am saved in no way. But that book was my salvation through the last of the worst of days (surely next year will be better, it has be, what could be worse than this?) It was written by me and in it, I found me, alone and still somehow, breathing through the pain.
Billy Collins is coming to Bemidji Minnesota this September!! WooHoo!
I am sooo excited. If you haven’t yet seen them on youtube you need to go watch These By Billy Collins. There are many to see/hear and they are absolutely incredible. I can’t wait to hear him live. And, is it just me or does he sound like Kevin Spacey when he played the serial killer in Seven? And doesn’t that just add another awesome element of dimension or what!
Stage two of The Talking Stick
Everything is in a digital file. Poetry, Creative nonfiction and fiction. There is no more scanning or typing to do (Thank God). Sharon has gone through the digital file and made as many corrections as she can there. The judges have already returned to us the first and second place finishers in all three categories. All that was left to do last Sunday night was for me to sit down and figure out how the book is going to read, which poem goes where, which story goes where. Made all the more difficult that we want to start everything that goes on to more than one page on a right hand page.
It took me four hours.
Not even kidding. Four hours. I started at 11pm and ended up still sitting there at 3am. It was the hardest book I have yet to put together in my life. It is strictly because of our standards of excellence and the fact that we’re getting more and more writing every year. That all translates into “less filler for the book.” Less easy going and blah poetry about nothing etc. We encourage and published clear-voiced pieces that are well described, as short/cut/tight as possible. And we love stuff that ends with a clear message. No, I don’t mean “Kill Hitler!” what I mean by a clear message is that there is a beginning, a middle and an end that translates into something, anything. An emotion, an idea, anything, anything at all without the writer TELLING IT TO US.
And that translates into . . .
A book that was damn hard to put together. I mean, my God, I’m not going to be caught putting a poem about baby’s dying across from a creative nonfiction that is a humorous slant on cabin life. Hell no. Everything this year was clear and imrpessive, but that means everything this year had to be very carefully handled. What a job!
But what a great job to have! I can’t believe I’m saying the quality of the work was so good it actually made my job harder. lol. What a great problem to have.
There was bad too though.
Don’t get me wrong. There is always truly horrible writing that I remain sitting with my mouth open while reading it wondering why the hell the writer thought anyone would want to read it. Half of the creative nonfiction submitted this year I crossed off (with red ink) at least the first and the last paragraphs. Simply put I eliminated the stupid back story that should start NO story (if back story is necessary and, it really shouldn’t be with a word limit of 1,000, then it should only be brought it when its relevant to the action.) and then I eliminated the part when the writer decided to tell us what we learned because of course all readers (especially editors) are too stupid to get it.
What writers don’t seem to understand.
I can imagine them. Flaunting along in tied died t-shirts in their minds as they expand their horizons and click off the editor and slip into that creative bliss where everything is genius. And then they write words that absolutely ooze like honey, thing like, “Expanded into/Void of oppressive/Convulsed noise/Weeping . . . Weeping . . . Weeping/Dreams shattered/A blink and I knew/I was alive!” Wow, really? This is the best you can do? What the hell did that even fucking mean? And, for that matter, who ever said that I cared about whether or not you felt alive? Do you understand that I don’t care? I couldn’t care less actually. You’re job as a writer is to make me give a fuck. Figure it out.
The number one rule that most “hobby” writers don’t seem to get is that writing is half creative process and half intellectual work. It seems they all throw out their brain, their working common sense, for this lofty bull shit hope that you can become a writer by writing what you think is poetic.
Most people who sit down to write a “poem” are always lacking the most important thing. Heart.
The impressive pieces, every one of them, start by the writer being inspired by an emotion. From there, not all writers create anything that’s worth reading (I can’t tell you how many pieces that we don’t put in the book but they had a great idea) the inspiration is the most creative part of it all and it does not create something worth reading. Your intellectual self, your ability to step back and allow that story to shine (or that feeling, that emotion) without ever telling us how to think, is how good writing begins. It takes clear thinking and an absolutely hated eye to get a piece cut down to the only words that matter. Very few things that I’ve read have ever reached this point of brilliant tightness and almost no creative nonfiction that I’ve seen has ever achieved this.
The ability to step back and clearly assess your own writing.
You need to be objective. So often I hear “I wrote it for a class” and I think, “Wow that must be an exciting read!” The basis of your work must be a seed that inspires you. You must have a clear and present knowing of what you are trying to achieve when you’re writing that piece. If you’re not excited about it, God knows, no reader will ever be.
I had my writers’ meeting today. It’s always so strange trying to tell people about my book. Even other writers. . . Maybe especially other writers. They hear the massive amount of numbers, the hours and hours of work, which I barely describe because I don’t want to sound like I’m gloating, and they seem to assume that it must not be much. Nobody has said that, nobody has said much of anything accept polite things, they are supportive, but it is the little they say that makes it hard. But, I think, what could they say? I mean, if someone came up to me and talked about such a massive writing project (and I hadn’t done something like Embraced by Darkness) I don’t think I would be that impressed either. I really think that I would probably not think very much it would be a, “Oh wow, that’s great! Good luck!” But I would be thinking that it is most likely crap, probably 99.9% likely to be crap.
Now, if it were something different. Something shorter, something about a girl my age, something safe; now that would make more sense. That would definitely be more in the realm of getting good responses, better encouragement. Now that would be something people could wrap their head around.
Now, I started this blog for me and for anyone who might want to know what it was like toiling through Embraced by Darkness. But I really don’t think I’ve gotten that done yet. I think you would read through my posts, get a glimpse of my every day life, and that would be cool if you didn’t know me but liked my book. And, you would get a bit of a glimpse of how this last push through Embraced by Darkness was like. You know, it’s about doubt. That’s obvious. That is number one. But if I asked you, “What was it like?” What would you say? I don’t think you would know. Not really.
So, what was it like?
And maybe that’s the point, isn’t it? I have so much trouble putting it into words. I would tell you that working on Embraced by Darkness was work. A lot of work. The great, fun, creative part of stretching and writing is such a small part of the real writing process. If you want to become a truly spectacular writer, so little of it is actual writing. So much of it is intellectual problem solving (ya know, the other part of your brain.) But that’s just the mechanics of it all. My personal experience with Embraced by Darkness was very hard but something so satisfying and challenging that I wish I could devote my life to being a writer.
But I have kept my day job. A girl’s gotta eat.
That is the most frustrating thing. Going back to being a writer, to being the writer/worker of Embraced by Darkness, has been the hardest part for me. From worrying about food, money, hell whether I can afford to even get my hair cut, finishing that next web project and, then trying to devote all of myself to my book without distraction, is some weeks, just not possible. All writers will already know this part so I am dottling again but I need you to know that besides the doubt there was always the essential frustration that I was never working on my book enough. Never going back to it enough and always wishing I was there, working on it, above all other things. So rarely did I get the opportunity where I was motivated, not trashed from the rest of the day, not exhausted from the rest of the week and with the time, to work on it.
You’re a writer. You know that time can be made.
Especially if a writer is willing to sacrifice sleep, tv and downtime. Writing had to become my obsession. Embraced by Darkness could not be work to me no matter how much it felt like work, it had to be the thing I wanted to be doing, not matter what. That was damned hard.
Especially so close to the end.
Like I am right now. So close. So few hours left for that last push. I am frustrated because I haven’t touched it for three weeks. I am hesitant because I’m afraid I’m wrong, that the book requires more work than that and I just can’t bare that consideration yet. The very idea of such a gut wrenching disappointment as it being farther from done than I think it is. Is absolutely unbearable. That’s just how it is and how it’s always going to be.
It’s in my very make up to expect the worse, to understand perfectly that my book will never be good enough. Will never be done. No matter how hard I work it is in my nature to never expect my work to be good enough.
Doubt.
So, you know about doubt. But what I haven’t told you is that the characters of this book, and the other books I’m working on, are with me always. I am often thinking of them. I rarely go a day without them. Right now, I’m working on Embraced by Darkness and, I swear to God, I see a flip of Osondrous’ blond hair out of the corner of my eye sometimes. I can almost hear what Karalay sounds like. And they come to me often and so randomly. The book I’m working on becomes a large portion of my life that no one knows about. No one could fathom the amount of time that I’ve spent with them, outside of working on the book. No one knows.
Embraced by Darkness has been my absolute satisfaction. I have taken such incredible pride and joy in working on this story. Their story. I feel privileged to have been a part of this incredible thing. No matter if anyone reads it. It doesn’t matter. I feel like I was the one chosen to write this story, to take upon this incredible undertaking, and I am very proud of that. I hope when people do read this book, if that ever happens, that they will feel that extent of respect. I feel as though the refugees of this time came to me and asked me to write their story. As terrified as I am of doing it unflinchingly and with great awareness as to their incredible strength, I know it must be written and I am the only one that this story was told to.
Sitting beside me on the desk is the product that I have created over the last few days. A little note pad with five pages, fronts and backs, covered with my bedtime scrawl that only I can understand. Notes written down, trying to cover everything in as few a words as possible without losing what I thought, at the time, had to be changed in Embraced by Darkness. I’m reading my book now you know.
I almost announced it when I got the book from lulu a couple of weeks ago. I bought two copies, the next step toward the book being almost finished. It’s over six hundred pages in pocket size. It cost more but I wanted desperately to see my book in the form of the paperback size that fills up every book store. It’s bigger then the uncut version of The Stand, but seeing it like this is really a wonderful thing.
I started reading it at night.
I started reading it every night, keeping a notepad beside me to write changes and things I couldn’t forget. At first glance I was disappointed. There are missing words, misspelled words, old sentences I meant to delete starting new sentences here and there. Not a lot, I would say I caught maybe thirty of the above in the first four hundred pages. Which, of course, means there’s a lot more.
I’m surprised at how much I miss while reading it on the computer screen day after day. Then taking a break. Then reading it on hard copy. It’s like two completely different books. I see them entirely differently after two weeks and in two different formats. Stephen King wrote in his book On Writing that after the book is written a writer needs to put it away for a minimum of two weeks before working on it again. It is the soundest writing advice I have ever heard.
I took the break.
I took the break while waiting for my lulu book to arrive. I read something that wasn’t going to get me thinking while I was waiting. A teen book The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 1) by Rick Riordan that I know you’ve heard of. But, let’s face it, Twilight included, these books aren’t going to keep you up with their incredible depth at night. Neither are they going to inspire you as writers. So, that’s what I read while I waited and that is generally the type of book I choose to read if I don’t want a distraction from my own work. Normally, it doesn’t matter, but my head needed a break. At that pointed I had spent over two hundred hours on my book in little less than two weeks. My boyfriend (Joseph Crawford) suggested I start keeping track of my time. I’m not doing that anymore, it was too shocking and upsetting.
Thoughts on my book.
I was a little disappointed in the first hundred and fifty pages or so. Not the writing, not the characters, not even the sad editing job that I did. I was disappointed and worried that it seemed to jump around so much. In my push to get the reader right into the action I’m afraid I might have pushed too hard. As it is, my book is in four parts and within the four parts I switch between my three characters twice. I think it’s too much for the beginning of my book. I’m considering, in part one and maybe part two as well, scaling it back so instead of jumping back and forth six times in each part, I think I may combine my girls’ parts down to one instead of two separate pieces. So the jump would only be three times and the reader would stay with one main character twice as long. I’m going to keep thinking about it. God knows I’m going to be reading the book again and seeing whether or not my thoughts are justified.
Almost there.
I have about a hundred and fifty pages left to read. I’ve found some more places I’m going to be cutting. Most of it is left over scenes from when I first re-wrote the book a couple of years ago. The writer I am today is sitting there reading them and going “What the hell? That doesn’t make any sense at all, why don’t I just do this and save five thousand words!?” The first major one is where Karalay really comes into the book in part two. The second one is what really feels like a ridiculous amount of words that I devoted to Jezaline. After that, I’m actually pleased with Osondrous, but her stripping down I did right away when I started this last push (again, the last push, how many last pushes can I have?). For both Karalay and Jezaline I need to find better words for some longer arrays of dialogue between them and the men they are with. Karalay with the man she has been with for ages but only now developed an awkward love life with and Jezaline with the gigantic prince of the Draegoone who is very interested in her. Both women are very intelligent. The dialogue is going to have to be the tie that binds it all together and brings the readers to a place where they can understand Jezaline’s attraction to the prince and Karalay’s attraction to the Darkhalk.
It seems like I used to be better at Dialogue.
Or at least I thought I was pretty good at dialogue a couple of years ago. I’ve cut out so much of what I wrote in the last rewrite. Dialogue, that when I wrote it then, seemed drippy and amazing with unsaid layers. Dialogue that I read now and wonder what the fuck it was even in the book for.
My last complaint about my book.
I’m a cutter. I don’t know if I’ve told you that yet. I’ve taken first draft fiction to writers meetings and had people tell me that it felt like I had “cut too much” when I edited it. Everyone is always stunned when I tell them it’s first draft and I haven’t edited it yet. This is my a-typical first draft: an almost bones only, no adjectives with a subtle or nonexistent narrator. I am pleased to say that I have finally cut my book down to where it almost reads like a first draft of my own writing today. Actually more like a second draft. It’s all good news because before the book read like I hadn’t wrote fiction before. Now, I need to add back. I have so much dialogue missing description and I have many characters and places missing the first and most important description of them. I won’t add many words, but I do feel it is time to dress my beast.
I’m looking for a cover designer for my book. I officially have a plan but it cannot begin until I have a fabulous cover for Embraced by Darkness. I have queried several artists I found through DeviantArt (my old stomping grounds) and have made some progress. One fantastic artist told me she does commissions for free but I sense she is suspecting something different than what I am going to throw at her. Most excellent digital artists on DeviantArt get commissions to do profiles sketches of fantasy-sci-fi game characters/not a big job in comparison to what I want on my book cover. After I get the cover done for my book I officialy have a plan.
That’s right – I have a plan.
The plan starts with me not being humble at all. I am a web designer and I know how to get to first page Google within two months. I also know how to create a website that sells. These things I have not considered thoroughly enough as being assets for selling becoming a published novelist. I came upon a pdf file of some poor writer who self-published through lulu and failed miserably (several times) the end of the pdf was that she was finally happy with her book covers and she sold a couple a month etc. I looked at her website and her book covers and could not believe she sold any a month. It also just so happens that I’ve been an editor and layout/print designer for eight years. Funny how until I read that pdf that none of this became very obvious to me. I have the experience in the industry to already know not to make the mistakes that she made. I also have enough experience in the industry that I know most people buy books online these days.
That’s right – Most people buy books online now.
Book stores are barely surviving. I know this because I’ve been in the industry close enough, for long enough, that most people buy online these days. And most of them buy used books from Amazon (if they’re smart - I just bought a used Stephen King book for 1 cent yesterday).
On top of all of that my writers’ group (The Jackpine Writers’ Bloc) has several ISBNs more than they will ever need and are willing to give me one for free for my book. On top of that my aunt happens to be the most incredibly thorough editor I have ever seen and she’s already told me she would edit my book for me. Take note on my last sentence because on top of everything else I think this kind of editing is really what separates the shitty self published books from the publishing company books. Because of the cover, my layout design and Sharon’s professional editing. My book will not look self published but professionally finished. Also if I publish through Lulu with an ISBN I can use their marketing tools for free and that means: A Free Amazon Listing.
So Far I’ve Only Spent $15
That’s right. Only $15 and that’s for the domain registration because we have our own server and that means free hosting for me. Does it seem a little like I haven’t utilized the tools that have been given to me in the past? You’re damned right. But, I also haven’t had a finished book in the past so regardless of what I’m capable of: I won’t push or try to sell a book I’m not proud of. But now, if you haven’t noticed, I’m just about done with my book and I have the time and I can afford $15 to get my website up.
So, Here’s the Plan.
- Register the domain embracedbydarkness.com ($15)
- Commission an incredible bad-ass cover. ($?)
- Get my aunt to edit my book for me. ($?)
- Use the cover graphics to create a stunning website at the domain. ($0)
- Launch the book on lulu (with lulu marketing) and the website ($0)
- Pay per click advertising on Facebook using bad ass cover ($?)
- Pay for banner advertising on DeviantArt using bad ass cover for 1 to forever ($20 per month)
Now, a couple of things I already have wrong that you may point out. First off, I really need to get my book on lulu and get lulu marketing going ASAP long before I do anything else (besides getting my domain name) because lulu marketing (getting my book in amazon listings etc.) can take up to eight weeks and I would really rather have all of the finished and set before I start paying for advertising. Regardless though, I won’t put my book up in lulu until the cover is finished so that’s priority #1 and, God knows, I’ve got absolutely no money. So, as I hope that someone may give me a commissioned cover for free, I know that that is really far fetched.
Wondering why I chose Deviantart Ads?
I bought Banner Advertising through Deviantart years ago when I was selling photography prints (or trying to). I sold a few but that wasn’t the point. The point was that I got over a thousand clicks a day for only $20 a month. It was impressive. And the Deviantart people are my kind of people. Most of them are fantasy gamers that are very much so online rats like the rest of us. In other words, the people on DA are the kind of people who would buy a fantasy book online, and God knows they would notice bad ass cover graphics in an ad and fucking click on it to take them to my even more bad ass website.
Meanwhile, I’m still working on Embraced by Darkness
I finished the first thorough read through and then speed read through the book again cutting and cutting and cutting. Last time I updated my blog the book was over 170,000 words now its down to about 163,000. That’s still not good enough for me. I am determined to cut the book down to at least 150,00 but if I could get it under 150,00 than I believe I’ll have a real something that I could sell to an agency or a publishing company.
But I’m not just cutting thoughtlessly: with every cut I am trying to improve the book. I am reading a book right now (because despite that I am pouring everything I’ve got into my own book I am always reading something besides) called Getting Into Character by Brandalinn Collins. It’s a book focusing on what a novelist can learn from actors on how to develop three dimensional characters. It’s really got me thinking and I’ve been jotting notes down while I read it in bed as I get ideas to change Embraced by Darkness, especially Osondrous, and make it more clear and focused.
I can’t tell you how much I look forward to being able to start a book from scratch. I have learned so much from having to go through this monster so many times. I know one thing for certain: I never want to have to do this again. Any book I write from here on out I am going to have a concise and very clear plan from start finish, from scene to scene. I will never write willynilly again. My boyfriends been joking, “At this point you could have just re-written the whole thing and not had so much damned editing and cutting to do.” Very depressingly, but at this point, he’s right. But there’s no going back now.
Meanwhile. Once the book is done. As you might imagine. I am going to be sending out to every Fantasy/Sci-fi agent I can find. Hopefully, somewhere, I am going to be noticed. What really terrifies me is that I better start working on the sequel.
I started this blog entry the night before last, after I had spent several hours looking for scfi-fi/fantasy places to be published and I still had part 4 of my book to go through. I felt good and I was so enthused that I named the blog post “Actual Hope” though I got nothing else written in it. I found eight places (mostly magazines) that pay and accept scfi-fi/fantasy stories. I’m excited about it and have already sent off one of my short stories for consideration. I have plans to work on four more and get those sent off as soon as possible. I’ll be so excited if just one of them gets accepted. What’s really neat is that most of them urge for novel excerpts so I’m already working on pulling some stories out of The Death of Eliana and I’m working on the same for Embraced by Darkness. For some reason all of this has made me feel pretty good. I’ve also bought some cheap back issues of most of the places; research is a must.
Meanwhile I also found seven different scfi-fi and fantasy publishing companies that accept unsolicited submissions. Woot! Though I know the reaction I’m probably going to get from all of them. “Your book’s too damn long. We can’t publish anything over 120 thousand words.” Still, knowing that those publishing houses are out there, looking for books like I want to write, and being willing to take unagented submissions is pretty fucking awesome.
And I have been working on my book. I said in the beginning of this post that the night before last I was down to Part 4 – the end of the book. If you can believe it, I’m feeling pretty good about how the whole thing is reading. There was some doubt throughout the beginning of the book and, of course, I need to work on those places. But, last night, I finished it.
I finished the first complete read-through after putting my book back together!
Without a doubt, the last half of my book is a better read than the first half. I’m hoping I can cut even more but as it stands the book is now down to 173,052 from 236,743 when I started this last push a few months ago. That’s sixty thousand words that I’ve managed to cut. My boyfriend has taken to teasing, “How much did you delete of all your hard work today? Did it go well?” And I’ll say, “Oh yeah, I just love slaughtering it!” But, the truth of the matter is, that I’m actually not deleting any real substance from the book. Any real writer will know that what I’m doing is just improving what’s already there.
I literally sit and think, “How can I say that in less words?”
The biggest hardship I ran into in this last read through is that, because Karalay’s story is shorter, things were happening for her way before they were spurred to happen for the other characters. I.E. Karalay was reacting to Osondrous becoming queen before she actually became queen. Now, I know a lot of books do that deliberately and there was a part of me that wanted to leave it because the book was so happy and organized as it was. But, I decided, that because of the scope and size of my book, I needed to help my readers out and keep my three characters as close to the same time line as I could. So I had to change my method in Part 1 of the book.
If you’ve been keeping up with my blog posts than you know that I decided to break the book into four parts and omit chapters all together. In each part of the book I ended up going from Osondrous to Karalay to Jezaline to Osondrous to Karalay to Jezaline and then moved on to the next part. But because of Karalay’s shorter story and the fact that she HAD to end my book and the fact that she was the main character in my Epilogue I decided to pull half of her story out of Part 1 and move all of her story down. So Part 1 is now going from Osondrous to Jezaline to Osondrous to Karalay to Jezaline and then moving on to Part 2. See diagram. None of the other Parts have changed but I feel this was necessary and the fact of the matter is, no one reading the book is going to care or notice.
I want to cut more.
It’s painful and it’s true. I need to cut more and I want to cut more. There are two places in the book I hope I can slice more of it out, maybe not more than a few thousand words but if I can get the book down into the hundred and sixty thousand word area I think it will look better. Really anything shorter than it is now will look better to publishers.
But I’m not going to start cutting rashly. I’m going to read through it, one more time, and cut as I go. I hate to say it, and it does pain me quite a bit, but the truth of the matter is the places I’m thinking of cutting are out of Jezaline and Karalay’s stories which is pretty frustrating because Osondrous has the most words in the book. But, as I’m typing this I am thinking of a place in Osondrous’ story too that I noticed. When I read through it again I really hope I can cut them down without mercy and maybe “crosses fingers” even cut another ten thousand words out of the book.
So, wish me luck!
Well, I said very apprehensively in my last post that my next post will be, hopefully, saying that I have finished Karalay’s part of the book and am starting the work of putting my good back together. Well..
It’s better than that!!
Yesterday I sat down at about 2 o’clock in the afternoon and at 9 thirty I finished going through Karalay’s portion of the book the second, and last, time. I was so excited I could barely hold myself back from putting the book together to spend time with my boyfriend and my mom. But I did. I took a break and didn’t go back to my book until nearly 11 thirty.
Than I got to it. And I’m just going to say it: it was fucking hard and stressful.
I wanted to put my book back together in an organized and thoughtful way. I had roughly the same amount of pages between Karalay and Jezaline but Osondrous had about 30 more than that. I wanted four part and to have about an equal amount of pages in each of the four parts of the book. I had already decided how far into the book the Epilogue would go (that was easy because I had already done that though this is the first time I’m calling it an Epilogue, I’m still not sure about that). And I decided to number the pauses in the book (where most people might put chapters) starting at 1 and going up through each of the parts and the epilogue too. I did not indent the epilogue though, I wanted it to look unique from the rest of the book and, though I know they are important, I hate the way paragraph indents look. I chose a Nimbus sans font for the whole book because it’s easy to read and really uses the line space. I used a Palantino for the Part, Epilogue and Title font. Not that any of that really matters. I’m a book designer, I can’t help it, so sue me.
Putting the Monster back together. Snout to Tail.
I wanted to remain consistent and organized while still having the book line up (you can imagine that some things happen in Osondrous’ story that can’t happen until other things happen in Karalay’s story etc.). At first I started Part 2 WAY too early and that helped me absolutely determine how the book was going to go. It would be Karalay, Osondrous/Constance, Jezaline and then all three of them one more time. So two parts from each of their stories for every part of the book.
The worst moment was when I realized I hadn’t been using enough of Osondrous’ story and well before she became queen Karalay was responding to the fact that she had become queen (a very vital happening in my book). So I had to take from Osondrou’s story in part four and add it in to part three and take from part three and add that in to part two to get her story to line up properly again. I knew people would be reading more from Osondrous’ part but, because I had to go back and shift her story around, I’m left anxious and worried on how the whole thing is going to read.
In the last rewrite of my book I broke entirely out of any system I had and just jumped between the girls as I saw fit. I like this way better. It feels stronger, I just hope it actually is.
So, happy new year to me!!
I am continuing in the last read through of my beast put all back together again. It is 330 eight and half by eleven pages and 181,000 words. At first I was down that it was still that high in word count but I just did the numbers and I ended up cutting over 55,000 words from the book! That’s a NaNoWriMo! So I am excited and feel good about the work I’ve done and about my monster. I have already read through the first ten pages and cut some and edited some. It read just fine and I can’t wait to get it printed in lulu and given to my aunt, my mom and my boyfriend.
Doubt
I’m terrified. I know that you can’t allow fear of failing to stop you from trying. But what if they don’t like my book when they read it? This is absolutely the best I can do right now. Period. This is as good a writer as I can be and if this isn’t this great, after all of this work, I will be devastated.
Keep it in perspective, Ta!
Of course, that is what I need to do. My book might not make anybody cry or even care much but I do believe it’s a fine book and it is so close to finished. I started this thing ten years ago and I’ve never felt this good about it before. I am truly entering the edit stage now and I will report back. I hope I will say in my next post, at least:
That it’s not too bad.
Other thoughts: I hate every word processor on the market. Hate. I have tried every program for writers in existance and none of them come close to what I actually need. I use Open Office and it is an absolutely fabulous text editor and it is free! But for putting a novel together none of them work for me. Most novel writing software forces you to save chapters separately etc. I hate that. (Yes, I’m going to be using the word hate a lot) So I’ve always ended up back in Open Office with my whole book in one massive document (like right now).
All I want, and I finally, truly, figured it out last night, is a tab system. I want down on side by the scroll bar there to be tabs that I can add that will jump me to certain parts of the book. I would like to create a tab for every part of my book so if I want to go to Part Four I just click the tab and I’m there (instead of scrolling for hours, that’s basically all I did last night scroll). I want to be able to create a tab for important moments, for all of Karalay, Osondrous and Jezaline’s parts of the story etc. Is this too much to ask??
One day I will design the perfect text editor for writers.
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