“There are millions of people in this world – it must be the utter definition of insanity to let one of them ruin even one moment of your life.”
“Have you ever loved someone who wasn’t part of your family?” Interesting question, something I’ve been pondering. I think most people would answer this with a yes, of course. But I think most of us realize that we didn’t have a fucking clue, had never loved anybody, until we met that one that we did love entirely. So (if you’re asking someone this question) unless the person responds with equal parts endless joy and unspeakable terror, no they probably haven’t. I took a trip to Chicago for a week recently (not gonna get into how this came about, but I went to Chicago recently) I took a bike ride with a friend of someone of someone. 120mph down a black highway at 4am, holding on tight to a good smelling stranger and I thought, “this is what love is like” Dangerous. Thrilling. With no control because no matter how many times you want to tell yourself otherwise: you are not driving.
What they don’t tell you about it, when it happens, is that it simply does not mean a good ending, or a lifetime. It just means you caught a ride with a stranger and you’re going 120mph down the highway at night. It is heaven and it is terrifying. It might work out, this may become a great ride, might last forever, the road is literally your lives, sometimes the roads stay together (bumpy or smooth depends on how well the mesh happens) sometimes the roads cannot become one road at all, you either take their road or your own. That’s what love is to me. I’ve been in a couple of relationships where it wasn’t a road or a ride but a stop on the side of the highway and my looking around going, “Oh no this is not where I’m staying!” and took my own road right out of there. Having understood what it’s like now, for real, those relationships I had in the past were not love. Like, mutual respect, understanding, sure, great. I had no idea what love was, but I would have said otherwise of course.
I’m on my own road again now, smooth, comfortable, safe – I’m picking my own speed and the weather I have to go through is only dictated by one person’s choices: mine. And it’s ok. Sometimes it’s great. I’ve seen how hard I’ve worked in the past, and very much so right now, to keep my road separate, to get off it, park my car and get on another’s road when I got bored with my own and they didn’t mind me tagging along for awhile. This last situation was very simple, my road didn’t matter and wasn’t joining no matter how badly I wanted it to and his road wasn’t going anywhere I wanted to be. So I got off, told him to go and made the long walk back to my car alone in the dark. Love or not. It should be enough, but it most certainly is not always. This is the final lesson I hope I ever need from the universe to remind me of just how unfair life is again.
But things are getting better and that bike ride (along with a million other things that I’ve done since I became single again) was just one more gleeful reminder of how much I’ve been able to do – that I never would have experienced a few months ago. I’m told that that is absurd and not how relationships are supposed to be, well… fine, fair enough, I’ve never been in a relationship then. I don’t think we should be sitting there watching in amazement at all that we’re missing because we’re with someone. Shouldn’t we be running there and laughing in amazement at all the things we’re doing together? Yup, I’ve never been in a relationship before if that’s the case and oh my how I can totally live with that. I’m happy right now and breathing it in every moment. This is a life that I can be excited to be living and I haven’t felt that in a while. These are the things we go through that make us human, make us people, not closed or bitchy, but real.
It took my getting out of here for a while. Chicago helped so much. There are millions of people in this world – it must be the utter definition of insanity to let one of them ruin even one moment of your life. There are others and they will help you smile again and that’s the point. Have you ever read or seen Eat Pray Love? If you haven’t I strongly urge you to see the movie or read the book (the book is better of course…) The lead character was a heart broken woman who went on a year long journey to find herself again. She was at an Ashram in India when she had a major break, wanting to leave, run to the guy she loved who was not right for her. She said, “But I miss him!” and the response was simple, “Then miss him!” If you love him, then love him. Your love and your missing is yours, let yourself miss, let yourself love, let your heart do whatever the hell it needs to do because that is just yours and has nothing to do with anybody else. Stop fighting, stop acting like something needs to change or happen because it’s too hard or that it hurts too much, stop telling yourself to stop because you’re not together anymore. It’s ok to miss them and to go right on loving them, that’s yours, it doesn’t need to have anything to do with them. And I finally feel my heart healing and I can feel the wind in my hair again and I’m not afraid or freaking out anymore. It happened and I don’t want to forget it, it has nothing to do with anybody but me. I am SO looking forward to my next bike ride!!!