“Even with people, we really just borrow their time as they borrow ours as we all seem to live on borrowed time.”
We remain in the throws of cleaning out my late grandma’s house and I can’t tell you how often my mother has exclaimed the bizarreness of going through someone elses’ private things. Things that have been carefully and deliberately packed and tucked away (sometimes for several decades) and us with no knowledge as to why those candle holders or those vases mattered so much. I’m a thrower – there will be little to nothing to go through when I finally back flip off this planet and my mother is not much different. There have been so many times I’ve almost stopped and said, “But wait-” Wait for what though? We can’t ask grandma how those things mattered. Sure seems like they did, with how it was all packed, but we have no way of knowing. I figure anything left behind when I’m gone can be tossed, I certainly am not going to care about it then… but I don’t know how grandma would feel about it.
My brother and I were filling one of many trailers with trash and he stopped, looked at my grandparents old house and said, “It’s amazing how we just borrow everything.” And isn’t that the truth? We work so hard, it seems, to “own” something but we only rent it for awhile. Even with people, we really just borrow their time as they borrow ours as we all seem to live on borrowed time. Is a car worth more then spending time with someone I love? What has a better chance of going with me when I die? But I digress… judging humanity on our obsession with “owning” something was not the point of my post but more of an insight that jarred me a bit. The other night I left a situation that I was no longer willing to remain in (fuck anyone who would stop me, I was done – I’m like that). I had wasted precious time and I was angry that I had been pushed there again in my life. How much time do we get to waste? All of it I suppose . . . if we want, as the worth of our time is personal to each of us. I realized there is only one truly terrible thing that e can do to each other and that is to be riled enough to waste time on something that does not matter at all. If this was my last night on earth would this really be what I would be doing!? Fuck no! But it does seem to be what most people spend the majority of their time on. That girl that lied about you, or that boy that cheated on you, or that friend that betrayed you, or that dude that disrespected you, how much more of your time are you going to waste on people who just want to waste your time and give you nothing in return? Haven’t they already taken enough?
It has been my realization that there are also many, many, many people in this world who will do nothing with their lives except to attempt to waste more of other people’s time. And that is their job and they take it very seriously and they will throw every moment of their own lives away, as long as they can waste some more of your precious time. I ran and I was mad at myself for forgetting, for letting my thoughts turn destructive, for letting my time be taken by people who just wanted to waste it. In the same breath though, we do find out who our friends are in these moments. Those folks who will pick you up in the wee hours of the morning without saying, “I told you so.” (though they certainly had every right to) but instead understand, without judgement, that we all make our own choices. And, in the end, every decision and circumstance we put ourselves in are just a matter of perspective on whether it was “a good idea” or not. I need more people around me who think like that – it is amazing how judgmental people can be, regardless of how many horrible choices that they themselves have made.
But I digress, once again, I cannot say fully that the other night was entirely wasted. To be reminded that we are loved, that there are people who will drop everything to help us, that there are people who will hold us and let us cry, people who accept us for who we are… that’s a damned good reminder. And the text sent my way, during the day, “Things will get better” reminds me to spend my thoughts, my heart, my time, my mind, on those good people. I may just be renting them but I do not believe there is any better feeling in the world then returning to the people and places you belong with, maybe we have to stray a little sometimes to really appreciate it.
There are people in this world who will throw you, lie about you, betray you and replace you, and (worst of all) waste your time. There are also people who will hold you, defend you, be loyal to you and find you irreplaceable, and it is those people who deserve your time. I’m going to conclude with that I hope you have at least one person who will pick you up in the wee hours of the morning and text you during the day that everything is going to get better. Because it will. We’re all just renting and borrowing here for a little while anyway never forget to ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing if you’re being abused, it’s okay to walk away, to not waste even one more second on a bad moment.