It seems to me that there should be something about winter that adults could enjoy. I remember when I was a kid, homeschooled, cozied up in my office, loving that the weather was horrific as I became a writer and going outside from time to time to enjoy it. It was awesome. I loved it too when I got back here from Oklahoma, from the retched, lurid, horrible, jaw-droppingly-cold, ten degrees and raining sleet/shit day after day, even twenty below zero was better then that and it was. I try to remember these feelings now that I am living here full time and having to work in the midst of this. You ask: “But, Ta, you were here for the last winter weren’t you?” You’re right, I was and last winter was a cake-walk, rather warm and even kinda melty from time to time, and not much snow either (but enough to keep our septics from freezing – we all say thank ya).
This winter though does seem particularly cold and there is something rather crushing about reading a forecast of nothing above 15 degrees as far as the eye can see. Things could be worse, there’s a storm hitting just north of us (and sweeping across the country as I type this) that has already killed 6 people. The skies are clear here, sunny and cold, but not gonna kill anybody unless someone wanders outside and makes an effort to freeze to death. But the roads are slippery and its almost dark outside and its not even 5pm yet, ugh. Forecast: cold as fuck and slippery as hell: get used to it.
Anyway, it does seem to me that there should be something (besides the holidays and that could be argued…) that adults should be able to look forward to. Like free baileys snow cones on every other street corner or schnaps flavored hot chocolate passed out every now again, ya know? Don’t we deserve that just because we live here?
Admittedly, this weather has had me in a bit of a funk. This weather and the people in my life. I had myself a down right, flat out, total and complete, drinking at home alone, twelve hour meltdown last weekend. And I was still weepy on Monday morning when my room mate finally got home from her (which I’m sure was absolutely amazing) weekend away. She’s decided that she probably shouldn’t leave me home alone… ever…. again. But she will and I will encourage it because she’s my mom and, at 26 years old, I should be able to be left home alone, even on the holidays, without entirely losing my mind. She and I both concluded that it was probably good that I was alone as no one would want to see that side of me and that is very fair and I can’t say that I’m any worse for wear anyway. I made it, I’m here, at work so… yay. Though… yeah I probably shouldn’t ever be left home alone again and I can’t really say that I’m any better… is wanting to drown in peppermint schnaps a healthy urge to have? Even during the holidays? I really doubt it.
Christmas was good though, we got ourselves through it and on to the weekend where I have another Christmas celebration to go to, which will be good, yay. And my guy will be back in town so that will be good. Maybe I just need my clothes torn off and my head pounded into his headboard until I see god at least half a dozen times. We survived the Zombie apocalypse and my finances are looking better. Don’t quite know what my problem is…
Let us try to look on the upswing, at least I’m not having meltdowns like I used to back when I would decide that I was too fat, not pretty enough and, quite frankly, not worth being loved. At least we’ve moved on mentally from that puddle. Right? Obviously I have finally begun growing as a person. I can honestly say now that I am thin enough and pretty enough and I’ve met enough people to know that I am at least worthy of being loved. This last meltdown was just me being sad. I am puddling in disappointment. Someone I thought was my friend, someone I thought I was important to no longer seems to care for me at all. I’m sad and I’m mad at her. And I’m mad at myself for letting this happen to me. For believing her, for loving her back. I miss my friend.
I am loved though and I do feel loved though I admit to feeling useless, rejected, an utter failure at life and very very alone this last weekend. One bad night. I survived it (might still be hungover from it actually…) but I’m no more happier and I am still sad. I want to be like some of the people I know (all men actually…) where I can always stand there and just say, “You don’t want me? Well, your loss!” But they always seem so arrogant, and whore like when they act like that, my reply to that kind of attitude has always been, “Oh, Honey, just cause average looking sluts at the bar are willing to go home with you doesn’t make you a super star… and I know that they don’t help with the loneliness.”
But I digress: let the holidays pass and let new years come so I can make the resolution to continue learning from everyone, to being open minded, to attempt control over no one’s life but my own and to better deal with the failings of others – as well as my own.