Billy Collins is coming to Bemidji Minnesota this September!! WooHoo!
I am sooo excited. If you haven’t yet seen them on youtube you need to go watch These By Billy Collins. There are many to see/hear and they are absolutely incredible. I can’t wait to hear him live. And, is it just me or does he sound like Kevin Spacey when he played the serial killer in Seven? And doesn’t that just add another awesome element of dimension or what!
Stage two of The Talking Stick
Everything is in a digital file. Poetry, Creative nonfiction and fiction. There is no more scanning or typing to do (Thank God). Sharon has gone through the digital file and made as many corrections as she can there. The judges have already returned to us the first and second place finishers in all three categories. All that was left to do last Sunday night was for me to sit down and figure out how the book is going to read, which poem goes where, which story goes where. Made all the more difficult that we want to start everything that goes on to more than one page on a right hand page.
It took me four hours.
Not even kidding. Four hours. I started at 11pm and ended up still sitting there at 3am. It was the hardest book I have yet to put together in my life. It is strictly because of our standards of excellence and the fact that we’re getting more and more writing every year. That all translates into “less filler for the book.” Less easy going and blah poetry about nothing etc. We encourage and published clear-voiced pieces that are well described, as short/cut/tight as possible. And we love stuff that ends with a clear message. No, I don’t mean “Kill Hitler!” what I mean by a clear message is that there is a beginning, a middle and an end that translates into something, anything. An emotion, an idea, anything, anything at all without the writer TELLING IT TO US.
And that translates into . . .
A book that was damn hard to put together. I mean, my God, I’m not going to be caught putting a poem about baby’s dying across from a creative nonfiction that is a humorous slant on cabin life. Hell no. Everything this year was clear and imrpessive, but that means everything this year had to be very carefully handled. What a job!
But what a great job to have! I can’t believe I’m saying the quality of the work was so good it actually made my job harder. lol. What a great problem to have.
There was bad too though.
Don’t get me wrong. There is always truly horrible writing that I remain sitting with my mouth open while reading it wondering why the hell the writer thought anyone would want to read it. Half of the creative nonfiction submitted this year I crossed off (with red ink) at least the first and the last paragraphs. Simply put I eliminated the stupid back story that should start NO story (if back story is necessary and, it really shouldn’t be with a word limit of 1,000, then it should only be brought it when its relevant to the action.) and then I eliminated the part when the writer decided to tell us what we learned because of course all readers (especially editors) are too stupid to get it.
What writers don’t seem to understand.
I can imagine them. Flaunting along in tied died t-shirts in their minds as they expand their horizons and click off the editor and slip into that creative bliss where everything is genius. And then they write words that absolutely ooze like honey, thing like, “Expanded into/Void of oppressive/Convulsed noise/Weeping . . . Weeping . . . Weeping/Dreams shattered/A blink and I knew/I was alive!” Wow, really? This is the best you can do? What the hell did that even fucking mean? And, for that matter, who ever said that I cared about whether or not you felt alive? Do you understand that I don’t care? I couldn’t care less actually. You’re job as a writer is to make me give a fuck. Figure it out.
The number one rule that most “hobby” writers don’t seem to get is that writing is half creative process and half intellectual work. It seems they all throw out their brain, their working common sense, for this lofty bull shit hope that you can become a writer by writing what you think is poetic.
Most people who sit down to write a “poem” are always lacking the most important thing. Heart.
The impressive pieces, every one of them, start by the writer being inspired by an emotion. From there, not all writers create anything that’s worth reading (I can’t tell you how many pieces that we don’t put in the book but they had a great idea) the inspiration is the most creative part of it all and it does not create something worth reading. Your intellectual self, your ability to step back and allow that story to shine (or that feeling, that emotion) without ever telling us how to think, is how good writing begins. It takes clear thinking and an absolutely hated eye to get a piece cut down to the only words that matter. Very few things that I’ve read have ever reached this point of brilliant tightness and almost no creative nonfiction that I’ve seen has ever achieved this.
The ability to step back and clearly assess your own writing.
You need to be objective. So often I hear “I wrote it for a class” and I think, “Wow that must be an exciting read!” The basis of your work must be a seed that inspires you. You must have a clear and present knowing of what you are trying to achieve when you’re writing that piece. If you’re not excited about it, God knows, no reader will ever be.
Sitting beside me on the desk is the product that I have created over the last few days. A little note pad with five pages, fronts and backs, covered with my bedtime scrawl that only I can understand. Notes written down, trying to cover everything in as few a words as possible without losing what I thought, at the time, had to be changed in Embraced by Darkness. I’m reading my book now you know.
I almost announced it when I got the book from lulu a couple of weeks ago. I bought two copies, the next step toward the book being almost finished. It’s over six hundred pages in pocket size. It cost more but I wanted desperately to see my book in the form of the paperback size that fills up every book store. It’s bigger then the uncut version of The Stand, but seeing it like this is really a wonderful thing.
I started reading it at night.
I started reading it every night, keeping a notepad beside me to write changes and things I couldn’t forget. At first glance I was disappointed. There are missing words, misspelled words, old sentences I meant to delete starting new sentences here and there. Not a lot, I would say I caught maybe thirty of the above in the first four hundred pages. Which, of course, means there’s a lot more.
I’m surprised at how much I miss while reading it on the computer screen day after day. Then taking a break. Then reading it on hard copy. It’s like two completely different books. I see them entirely differently after two weeks and in two different formats. Stephen King wrote in his book On Writing that after the book is written a writer needs to put it away for a minimum of two weeks before working on it again. It is the soundest writing advice I have ever heard.
I took the break.
I took the break while waiting for my lulu book to arrive. I read something that wasn’t going to get me thinking while I was waiting. A teen book The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 1) by Rick Riordan that I know you’ve heard of. But, let’s face it, Twilight included, these books aren’t going to keep you up with their incredible depth at night. Neither are they going to inspire you as writers. So, that’s what I read while I waited and that is generally the type of book I choose to read if I don’t want a distraction from my own work. Normally, it doesn’t matter, but my head needed a break. At that pointed I had spent over two hundred hours on my book in little less than two weeks. My boyfriend (Joseph Crawford) suggested I start keeping track of my time. I’m not doing that anymore, it was too shocking and upsetting.
Thoughts on my book.
I was a little disappointed in the first hundred and fifty pages or so. Not the writing, not the characters, not even the sad editing job that I did. I was disappointed and worried that it seemed to jump around so much. In my push to get the reader right into the action I’m afraid I might have pushed too hard. As it is, my book is in four parts and within the four parts I switch between my three characters twice. I think it’s too much for the beginning of my book. I’m considering, in part one and maybe part two as well, scaling it back so instead of jumping back and forth six times in each part, I think I may combine my girls’ parts down to one instead of two separate pieces. So the jump would only be three times and the reader would stay with one main character twice as long. I’m going to keep thinking about it. God knows I’m going to be reading the book again and seeing whether or not my thoughts are justified.
Almost there.
I have about a hundred and fifty pages left to read. I’ve found some more places I’m going to be cutting. Most of it is left over scenes from when I first re-wrote the book a couple of years ago. The writer I am today is sitting there reading them and going “What the hell? That doesn’t make any sense at all, why don’t I just do this and save five thousand words!?” The first major one is where Karalay really comes into the book in part two. The second one is what really feels like a ridiculous amount of words that I devoted to Jezaline. After that, I’m actually pleased with Osondrous, but her stripping down I did right away when I started this last push (again, the last push, how many last pushes can I have?). For both Karalay and Jezaline I need to find better words for some longer arrays of dialogue between them and the men they are with. Karalay with the man she has been with for ages but only now developed an awkward love life with and Jezaline with the gigantic prince of the Draegoone who is very interested in her. Both women are very intelligent. The dialogue is going to have to be the tie that binds it all together and brings the readers to a place where they can understand Jezaline’s attraction to the prince and Karalay’s attraction to the Darkhalk.
It seems like I used to be better at Dialogue.
Or at least I thought I was pretty good at dialogue a couple of years ago. I’ve cut out so much of what I wrote in the last rewrite. Dialogue, that when I wrote it then, seemed drippy and amazing with unsaid layers. Dialogue that I read now and wonder what the fuck it was even in the book for.
My last complaint about my book.
I’m a cutter. I don’t know if I’ve told you that yet. I’ve taken first draft fiction to writers meetings and had people tell me that it felt like I had “cut too much” when I edited it. Everyone is always stunned when I tell them it’s first draft and I haven’t edited it yet. This is my a-typical first draft: an almost bones only, no adjectives with a subtle or nonexistent narrator. I am pleased to say that I have finally cut my book down to where it almost reads like a first draft of my own writing today. Actually more like a second draft. It’s all good news because before the book read like I hadn’t wrote fiction before. Now, I need to add back. I have so much dialogue missing description and I have many characters and places missing the first and most important description of them. I won’t add many words, but I do feel it is time to dress my beast.
I started this blog entry the night before last, after I had spent several hours looking for scfi-fi/fantasy places to be published and I still had part 4 of my book to go through. I felt good and I was so enthused that I named the blog post “Actual Hope” though I got nothing else written in it. I found eight places (mostly magazines) that pay and accept scfi-fi/fantasy stories. I’m excited about it and have already sent off one of my short stories for consideration. I have plans to work on four more and get those sent off as soon as possible. I’ll be so excited if just one of them gets accepted. What’s really neat is that most of them urge for novel excerpts so I’m already working on pulling some stories out of The Death of Eliana and I’m working on the same for Embraced by Darkness. For some reason all of this has made me feel pretty good. I’ve also bought some cheap back issues of most of the places; research is a must.
Meanwhile I also found seven different scfi-fi and fantasy publishing companies that accept unsolicited submissions. Woot! Though I know the reaction I’m probably going to get from all of them. “Your book’s too damn long. We can’t publish anything over 120 thousand words.” Still, knowing that those publishing houses are out there, looking for books like I want to write, and being willing to take unagented submissions is pretty fucking awesome.
And I have been working on my book. I said in the beginning of this post that the night before last I was down to Part 4 – the end of the book. If you can believe it, I’m feeling pretty good about how the whole thing is reading. There was some doubt throughout the beginning of the book and, of course, I need to work on those places. But, last night, I finished it.
I finished the first complete read-through after putting my book back together!
Without a doubt, the last half of my book is a better read than the first half. I’m hoping I can cut even more but as it stands the book is now down to 173,052 from 236,743 when I started this last push a few months ago. That’s sixty thousand words that I’ve managed to cut. My boyfriend has taken to teasing, “How much did you delete of all your hard work today? Did it go well?” And I’ll say, “Oh yeah, I just love slaughtering it!” But, the truth of the matter is, that I’m actually not deleting any real substance from the book. Any real writer will know that what I’m doing is just improving what’s already there.
I literally sit and think, “How can I say that in less words?”
The biggest hardship I ran into in this last read through is that, because Karalay’s story is shorter, things were happening for her way before they were spurred to happen for the other characters. I.E. Karalay was reacting to Osondrous becoming queen before she actually became queen. Now, I know a lot of books do that deliberately and there was a part of me that wanted to leave it because the book was so happy and organized as it was. But, I decided, that because of the scope and size of my book, I needed to help my readers out and keep my three characters as close to the same time line as I could. So I had to change my method in Part 1 of the book.
If you’ve been keeping up with my blog posts than you know that I decided to break the book into four parts and omit chapters all together. In each part of the book I ended up going from Osondrous to Karalay to Jezaline to Osondrous to Karalay to Jezaline and then moved on to the next part. But because of Karalay’s shorter story and the fact that she HAD to end my book and the fact that she was the main character in my Epilogue I decided to pull half of her story out of Part 1 and move all of her story down. So Part 1 is now going from Osondrous to Jezaline to Osondrous to Karalay to Jezaline and then moving on to Part 2. See diagram. None of the other Parts have changed but I feel this was necessary and the fact of the matter is, no one reading the book is going to care or notice.
I want to cut more.
It’s painful and it’s true. I need to cut more and I want to cut more. There are two places in the book I hope I can slice more of it out, maybe not more than a few thousand words but if I can get the book down into the hundred and sixty thousand word area I think it will look better. Really anything shorter than it is now will look better to publishers.
But I’m not going to start cutting rashly. I’m going to read through it, one more time, and cut as I go. I hate to say it, and it does pain me quite a bit, but the truth of the matter is the places I’m thinking of cutting are out of Jezaline and Karalay’s stories which is pretty frustrating because Osondrous has the most words in the book. But, as I’m typing this I am thinking of a place in Osondrous’ story too that I noticed. When I read through it again I really hope I can cut them down without mercy and maybe “crosses fingers” even cut another ten thousand words out of the book.
So, wish me luck!
Well, I said very apprehensively in my last post that my next post will be, hopefully, saying that I have finished Karalay’s part of the book and am starting the work of putting my good back together. Well..
It’s better than that!!
Yesterday I sat down at about 2 o’clock in the afternoon and at 9 thirty I finished going through Karalay’s portion of the book the second, and last, time. I was so excited I could barely hold myself back from putting the book together to spend time with my boyfriend and my mom. But I did. I took a break and didn’t go back to my book until nearly 11 thirty.
Than I got to it. And I’m just going to say it: it was fucking hard and stressful.
I wanted to put my book back together in an organized and thoughtful way. I had roughly the same amount of pages between Karalay and Jezaline but Osondrous had about 30 more than that. I wanted four part and to have about an equal amount of pages in each of the four parts of the book. I had already decided how far into the book the Epilogue would go (that was easy because I had already done that though this is the first time I’m calling it an Epilogue, I’m still not sure about that). And I decided to number the pauses in the book (where most people might put chapters) starting at 1 and going up through each of the parts and the epilogue too. I did not indent the epilogue though, I wanted it to look unique from the rest of the book and, though I know they are important, I hate the way paragraph indents look. I chose a Nimbus sans font for the whole book because it’s easy to read and really uses the line space. I used a Palantino for the Part, Epilogue and Title font. Not that any of that really matters. I’m a book designer, I can’t help it, so sue me.
Putting the Monster back together. Snout to Tail.
I wanted to remain consistent and organized while still having the book line up (you can imagine that some things happen in Osondrous’ story that can’t happen until other things happen in Karalay’s story etc.). At first I started Part 2 WAY too early and that helped me absolutely determine how the book was going to go. It would be Karalay, Osondrous/Constance, Jezaline and then all three of them one more time. So two parts from each of their stories for every part of the book.
The worst moment was when I realized I hadn’t been using enough of Osondrous’ story and well before she became queen Karalay was responding to the fact that she had become queen (a very vital happening in my book). So I had to take from Osondrou’s story in part four and add it in to part three and take from part three and add that in to part two to get her story to line up properly again. I knew people would be reading more from Osondrous’ part but, because I had to go back and shift her story around, I’m left anxious and worried on how the whole thing is going to read.
In the last rewrite of my book I broke entirely out of any system I had and just jumped between the girls as I saw fit. I like this way better. It feels stronger, I just hope it actually is.
So, happy new year to me!!
I am continuing in the last read through of my beast put all back together again. It is 330 eight and half by eleven pages and 181,000 words. At first I was down that it was still that high in word count but I just did the numbers and I ended up cutting over 55,000 words from the book! That’s a NaNoWriMo! So I am excited and feel good about the work I’ve done and about my monster. I have already read through the first ten pages and cut some and edited some. It read just fine and I can’t wait to get it printed in lulu and given to my aunt, my mom and my boyfriend.
Doubt
I’m terrified. I know that you can’t allow fear of failing to stop you from trying. But what if they don’t like my book when they read it? This is absolutely the best I can do right now. Period. This is as good a writer as I can be and if this isn’t this great, after all of this work, I will be devastated.
Keep it in perspective, Ta!
Of course, that is what I need to do. My book might not make anybody cry or even care much but I do believe it’s a fine book and it is so close to finished. I started this thing ten years ago and I’ve never felt this good about it before. I am truly entering the edit stage now and I will report back. I hope I will say in my next post, at least:
That it’s not too bad.
Other thoughts: I hate every word processor on the market. Hate. I have tried every program for writers in existance and none of them come close to what I actually need. I use Open Office and it is an absolutely fabulous text editor and it is free! But for putting a novel together none of them work for me. Most novel writing software forces you to save chapters separately etc. I hate that. (Yes, I’m going to be using the word hate a lot) So I’ve always ended up back in Open Office with my whole book in one massive document (like right now).
All I want, and I finally, truly, figured it out last night, is a tab system. I want down on side by the scroll bar there to be tabs that I can add that will jump me to certain parts of the book. I would like to create a tab for every part of my book so if I want to go to Part Four I just click the tab and I’m there (instead of scrolling for hours, that’s basically all I did last night scroll). I want to be able to create a tab for important moments, for all of Karalay, Osondrous and Jezaline’s parts of the story etc. Is this too much to ask??
One day I will design the perfect text editor for writers.
I swore in my last post that the next post I wrote I would be proclaiming a finish of the final going-through and line-editing of Osondrous’ and Constance’s story of Embraced by Darkness. (Wow that was a mouthful.) I did it. I took the day off from everything else in my life (my wonderful boyfriend even made supper for me when I stopped once to eat) and I got through it. I even managed to cut it down to just under 70 thousand words and that had been my crossed fingers hope that I had completely give up on. But going through it again I was able to cut even more and where I had been a little hesitant when I worked through it to start with I was able to be more fierce with this last edit.
Osondrous’ and Constance’s part of the book started at around 93,000 and ended up at just under 69,000. WOOHOO! It was tough and this last push took me eight hours. Jezaline’s story was nowhere near so tedious. The only thing I can come up with as why is just because of word count. I watched the pages slowly trickle by today. Osondrous was sitting at 133 (81/2 by 11 page size) and when I finished with Jezaline she was in the 80s. That’s less than I thought would make such a difference. But I finally got through it and I am so relieved.
New Decisions
As you might already have noticed I am an avid Stephen King fan. He is my number one. Simply put. Judge me as you will I don’t give a rat’s ass. In my opinion he is the best commercial fiction writer in existence. Something Stephen King is very fond of doing with his books is omitting chapters all together.
I am immediately drawn back to conversations with other writers (not novelists) about how important chapters are. And “how chapters should each be there own complete story” Are you kidding? What the hell. The book is the story, it should never pause for any reason besides itself. Chapters are formalities that are forced that the story of the book must pause around. And the minute novelists start altering chapters, to make them stories in their own right, is the minute the real story, the book itself, is lost.
I am dropping the chapter thing and have settled into the notion that I will be granting my book pauses numbers. Each story will have it’s own start and end with it’s numbering. Otherwise the book will have four main parts.
No more chapters. I am boycotting.
It just killed me tonight to not start numbering as I went. It makes so much more sense. Where the book pauses but where it would never been correct to start a new chapter, now I have the next number. Each of my stories (Osondrous, Karalay and Jezaline) will start at 1 and end where they end. I will force nothing. No more chapters.
Moving on to Karalay
I will have a formal post when I really start work on her story but I’m damn near delirious. Karalay is at 71,000 words right now, 20,000 less than where Osondrous started. This will be less of a heart ache than the last push to finish this Osondrous. Though I am both looking forward to her story, I am also apprehensive. I have as many add-ons to Karalay’s story as I did for Jezaline’s and just as much to cut. As always I am doubting my ability to do it right. But I also know that this kind of work moves faster than Osondrous’ story did. I had little to add to Osondrous, her story was just edit work. That is tedious as hell.
Karalay’s story I am hoping will be fun and I will ride a happy wave on my way through it.
A little lofty and dreamy? Sure. But I’ll take anything I can get.
Thoughts on the finishing touches
I’m thinking a lot about how this book is going to get put back together. I’m afraid this is going to be a major, final headache, to finish this monster. I have notes made in my brain where each story needs to end and start the next portion of the other story beside it. I’m terrified. Strictly speaking. Absolutely terrified I’m going to have to read, line for line and even rewrite to get this book to fit again. This is where I can’t let my momentum fail me. The instant I finish Karalay I need to start putting this thing back together while Osondrous and Jezaline are still fresh.
I can’t stress this more
No amount of notes can get you back to knowing every nook and cranny of your book. If you walk away, expect to have to read everything again and forget a lot. Write everything down and don’t walk away until at least some kind of outline, with all of your thoughts, is down on paper. I’m speaking from tragic experience here. I know that I’ve lost a lot.
Short story site
I’m also working on a 7,000 word short story for a site I was forwarded from my writers’ group http://www.one-story.com. Writers’ group can be great things. Wish me luck! I’ll be submitting sometime soon. I sent my story off to my writers’ group for critique (I have not yet considered asking any of them to read my novel I will post soon on what I think, truly, about writers’ groups) and I’m hoping for some good edits.
http://www.one-story.com
Well, I did get through it. If you read my last post I had come to a bit of a halt when I reached Constance in the midst of Osondrous’ story. I got so comfortable working on one at a time. That was why I split my book up in the beginning. Each story of my three main characters were standing on their own.
I got spoiled.
I finished Jezaline’s story adding things I had never considered before. It all came together in a way that it never could have without my full focused attention. I can’t believe I never did this before.
Every time I tried attacking this novel before it was one page at a time. Start to end. Moving back and forth between the characters as I went. And I have found out that I am not super woman. Some writers could absolutely do that: go back and forth without forgetting anything, without losing the acceleration and the attitude of the previous character.
I am not capable of that.
I know this now. I work much better with one focused task. Last week it was Jezaline, start to finish and I am elated to say that her story now has a richness that it never did before. Her childhood, her history her entire life became an element when before she was so one dimensional. She has a real ending now. Not just for the story but for her emotionally too.
Telling the emotional story.
I am becoming more and more aware as I go of the two separate stories that make up every book I have ever read. The emotional story and the physical story. I think I have mentioned this before in recent posts. But I’m going to spend some time now to elaborate on what it means to me, as a writer, right now.
I have struggled consistently with what I call my “A.D.D” I am the worst kind of reader, I am bored, I am skipping and scanning because I can’t stand needless diddling. Until a writer can prove to me that that shit they just wrote about the history of that tree matters to the story at all, I am not going to read it no matter how great that description might be.
I am obviously commercial fiction through and through. That I have never denied. It’s no wonder that my favourite book this year was written by Stephen King (It) and the book I’m reading (for the second time) right now (Lisey’s Story) was also written by Stephen King.
I don’t just read Stephen King because he appeals to my reader but also because he equally appeals to my writer. I am absolutely in awe at his genius. I have never read a writer who took “omit needless words” to such an exceptional level. If I could worship him as a God, I would, but I don’t think he’d give me the time of day and I wouldn’t blame him.
In the past, because of the reader in me, I was very very bad at just writing the physical story and letting the emotion story be nonexistent. My worst habit as a writer was that, in the very early beginning, I took “Do not tell. Show.” to the literal level.
Don’t do that.
“Don’t tell. Show.” does not mean to omit your narrator. What “Don’t tell. Show.” means is to give reason for the emotions of your characters. For the telling of the emotional/past story behind the physical story. You must link your physical to your emotional. Instead of just having her sad one day and a telling description of her past give her a link that makes her sad that reminds her of her past by planting something important in the physical. Why is she outside? Why don’t you link that. Don’t have her outside just wandering around for no apparent reason cause she likes trees for no apparent reason. Maybe she’s outside because she was driven there by her haunted past. Maybe trees have always been a place she can run because she climbed in the oaks behind the barn at the farm she grew up on. Think about it. Omit needless everything.
It isn’t just about sentence structure, about “the road to hell is paved in adverbs” this goes all the way down to the very bones of your story. If Stephen King can’t find an important reason for that very cloud to be in the book, it’s just not there. If that beautiful day has no relevance, than it shouldn’t be there.
And you say “But I do shit all of the time that has no apparent meaning!!” Yeah, and how long would you want to read about your life?
I tell myself again and again. I will not waste my readers’ time on insignificant shit. No matter how well it’s described.
Ten pages to go.
And that is it. Only ten more pages to go of 142. I have now cut Osondrous’ and Constance’s part of the book down from 92,567 words to 73,881. I am happy but a little apprehensive. I am disappointed in the place I am working on right now. It seems I rushed their ending a bit. I did not keep up their rhythm like I thought I had through the end. In fact I really reverted. I skipped whole days and recalled important events in scanty dialogue. I don’t really want to but I’m afraid I may have to add a bit more to their story though I was really hoping to hit a full twenty thousand words cut.
But I did break through the problems I was having. I did manage to find the heart of Constance. And even Osondrous seems to have taken on more layers. I have made her with more flaws now. They are both more realistic, I think. I still have to add though and I am apprehensive about it. I fear my doubt it showing again.
I put in my last post that I didn’t know if I was going to go through Jezaline’s story one more time or just move on now that I had added and subtracted from her story to the point of near completion. Well, I went through it again. This wasn’t a “writers” decision. This was my decision. I just wasn’t done yet. Now I can say I am as close to done with Jezaline’s story than I have ever been in the last ten yeas working on my monster. One third of Embraced by Darkness is truly done, even for me now.
Reading back through all the words I had added and all that I had edited I realized some more things to add to give her more emotional impact. I believe I did right by Jezaline and I am elated to say now that I believe her story even stands on its own. Imagine that? Now I am sending the story to my mom. Jezaline reached 64,672 (give or take) at one point than I clipped her all the way down to 52,259 words. That makes about a hundred 8 1/2 by 11 pages. I am tentatively hopeful. I hope she has the time to read it soon. Of all of my writing I have learned not to expect folks to drop everything to read what I give them. Even moms and boyfriends. I may be willing to drop all else to write this thing but I can’t expect other people to do the same. But I am dying to know what she’ll say about it.
I already know that she’ll say one thing for certain, “There’s a lot of sex!” Hopefully my reassurances that the rest of the book will be stripped of sex will help my mother cope. lol. We’ll see. I’m a sexual creature and I believe women to be capable of being strong sexual creatures. It is a part of life and I will, above all other things, write unflinchingly and as realistically as I can. But the truth is anyone who doesn’t believe sex is a part of life just won’t like my book.
I can live with that.
I struggled with whose story I was going to work on next. Osondrous or Karalay? Osondrous is the heart of my book. I chimped out by choosing to work on Jezaline’s story first. I picked the easiest start. Where Jezaline was sitting at 50,000 to begin with Osondrous right now is at 93,000. Karalay is somewhere between those two but I fear I need to get myself through Osondrous as soon as possible, if only to prove that I can. She is techincally the start of my book while Karalay is techincally my end. There is a lot of setting up to do for Osy and her story is also connected through and through with my partial main character Constace. So it’s really two main characters’ stories that I am attacking. If I choose to work on Osondrous next.
Just working on it last night for a couple of hours I have already cut two chapters and need to re-write them completely. As always I am laden with doubt. Will I forget something? I need to do Osy justice above all of the other characters. Like I said, Osondrous is the heart and start of my book. I find I identify with her on a deeper level than the rest of the characters and I do not struggle with her dialogue but, instead, it just falls out of me like it’s my own. On the other hand she is the most energetic, talkative and moving character in my book. She practically sprints from one event to another and I fear I let that sprinting dictate my writing. I tend to lose focus on meaningful descriptions of surroundings because Osondrous could give a rats ass where she’s at at any given moment.
I fear that my writing loses depth.
That my readers will be standing there wondering, “Where the hell are we?” While meanwhile Osondrous is ripping the throat out of some poor bastard. I cannot let this happen and I am left staring at what needs to be written aprehensively because this feels like my last shot at this book. I have tried starting this book so many damn times and failed over doubt. I cannot let it rule me. On the other hand I can’t help but think caution is not so bad a thing.
Damn it. No. I will not be cautious because of doubt. I will not let it rule me. I will not delay I have already spent so much time on this book. If there is any semblance of forward movement that I have. Of hope that I have from finishing Jezaline’s story. I will not let that disappear over doubt. No, I am going to try. What’s there to lose accept more time?
I pull out my outline, the one I wrote a while back when I decided that there was nothing worth keeping. I am surprised, turns out I’m going to need it. The support of it beside me is reassuring. At least I have something that makes me feel as though I may not miss anything.
So it begins. Right now, after some cutting in the beginning, Osy sits at 90,521 words. I can do this.
I think.
I hope.
I will not allow myself to lose this little glimmer of hope. It took me two weeks to get through Jezaline’s story and I hope you know that I do have a life outside of this and if I hadn’t been working to support myself I think it would have only been a few days. But being able to focus largely on just a piece of writing, with no distraction (I have learned) is largely over rated. A writer gets tired. Mundane chores: dealing with family, cooking supper, continuing renovations on a house that includes taping and bedding sheetrock, playing guitar hero with the man that I love, sleeping, eating, working to support myself besides. I need these things. As much as I am a one minded person who likes to sit down and focus on nothing else until I am finished. That is simply not practical in this case nor is it even possible. It has taken me literaly years of adjustment to learn how to work on my book in short starts and stutters. And I have learned, more then ever these days, that I cannot simply just write and write and write.
Without getting my writer tired.
At some point along the way I lose my creativity and my descriptions and I know to stand back when I just want to write, “She walked through the god damned forest and like really hated it.” If you are a writer, remember that your writer needs breaks too.
I dive in to Osondrous’ story tonight. Wish me luck.
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