The blog of fantasy fiction author and writer Tarah L. Wolff

Sitting beside me on the desk is the product that I have created over the last few days. A little note pad with five pages, fronts and backs, covered with my bedtime scrawl that only I can understand. Notes written down, trying to cover everything in as few a words as possible without losing what I thought, at the time, had to be changed in Embraced by Darkness. I’m reading my book now you know.

I almost announced it when I got the book from lulu a couple of weeks ago. I bought two copies, the next step toward the book being almost finished. It’s over six hundred pages in pocket size. It cost more but I wanted desperately to see my book in the form of the paperback size that fills up every book store. It’s bigger then the uncut version of The Stand, but seeing it like this is really a wonderful thing.

I started reading it at night.

I started reading it every night, keeping a notepad beside me to write changes and things I couldn’t forget. At first glance I was disappointed. There are missing words, misspelled words, old sentences I meant to delete starting new sentences here and there. Not a lot, I would say I caught maybe thirty of the above in the first four hundred pages. Which, of course, means there’s a lot more.

I’m surprised at how much I miss while reading it on the computer screen day after day. Then taking a break. Then reading it on hard copy. It’s like two completely different books. I see them entirely differently after two weeks and in two different formats. Stephen King wrote in his book On Writing that after the book is written a writer needs to put it away for a minimum of two weeks before working on it again. It is the soundest writing advice I have ever heard.

I took the break.

I took the break while waiting for my lulu book to arrive. I read something that wasn’t going to get me thinking while I was waiting. A teen book The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 1) by Rick Riordan that I know you’ve heard of. But, let’s face it, Twilight included, these books aren’t going to keep you up with their incredible depth at night. Neither are they going to inspire you as writers. So, that’s what I read while I waited and that is generally the type of book I choose to read if I don’t want a distraction from my own work. Normally, it doesn’t matter, but my head needed a break. At that pointed I had spent over two hundred hours on my book in little less than two weeks. My boyfriend (Joseph Crawford) suggested I start keeping track of my time. I’m not doing that anymore, it was too shocking and upsetting.

Thoughts on my book.

I was a little disappointed in the first hundred and fifty pages or so. Not the writing, not the characters, not even the sad editing job that I did. I was disappointed and worried that it seemed to jump around so much. In my push to get the reader right into the action I’m afraid I might have pushed too hard. As it is, my book is in four parts and within the four parts I switch between my three characters twice. I think it’s too much for the beginning of my book. I’m considering, in part one and maybe part two as well, scaling it back so instead of jumping back and forth six times in each part, I think I may combine my girls’ parts down to one instead of two separate pieces. So the jump would only be three times and the reader would stay with one main character twice as long. I’m going to keep thinking about it. God knows I’m going to be reading the book again and seeing whether or not my thoughts are justified.

Almost there.

I have about a hundred and fifty pages left to read. I’ve found some more places I’m going to be cutting. Most of it is left over scenes from when I first re-wrote the book a couple of years ago. The writer I am today is sitting there reading them and going “What the hell? That doesn’t make any sense at all, why don’t I just do this and save five thousand words!?” The first major one is where Karalay really comes into the book in part two. The second one is what really feels like a ridiculous amount of words that I devoted to Jezaline. After that, I’m actually pleased with Osondrous, but her stripping down I did right away when I started this last push (again, the last push, how many last pushes can I have?). For both Karalay and Jezaline I need to find better words for some longer arrays of dialogue between them and the men they are with. Karalay with the man she has been with for ages but only now developed an awkward love life with and Jezaline with the gigantic prince of the Draegoone who is very interested in her. Both women are very intelligent. The dialogue is going to have to be the tie that binds it all together and brings the readers to a place where they can understand Jezaline’s attraction to the prince and Karalay’s attraction to the Darkhalk.

It seems like I used to be better at Dialogue.

Or at least I thought I was pretty good at dialogue a couple of years ago. I’ve cut out so much of what I wrote in the last rewrite. Dialogue, that when I wrote it then, seemed drippy and amazing with unsaid layers. Dialogue that I read now and wonder what the fuck it was even in the book for.

My last complaint about my book.

I’m a cutter. I don’t know if I’ve told you that yet. I’ve taken first draft fiction to writers meetings and had people tell me that it felt like I had “cut too much” when I edited it. Everyone is always stunned when I tell them it’s first draft and I haven’t edited it yet. This is my a-typical first draft: an almost bones only, no adjectives with a subtle or nonexistent narrator. I am pleased to say that I have finally cut my book down to where it almost reads like a first draft of my own writing today. Actually more like a second draft. It’s all good news because before the book read like I hadn’t wrote fiction before. Now, I need to add back. I have so much dialogue missing description and I have many characters and places missing the first and most important description of them. I won’t add many words, but I do feel it is time to dress my beast.

I’m looking for a cover designer for my book. I officially have a plan but it cannot begin until I have a fabulous cover for Embraced by Darkness. I have queried several artists I found through DeviantArt (my old stomping grounds) and have made some progress. One fantastic artist told me she does commissions for free but I sense she is suspecting something different than what I am going to throw at her. Most excellent digital artists on DeviantArt get commissions to do profiles sketches of fantasy-sci-fi game characters/not a big job in comparison to what I want on my book cover. After I get the cover done for my book I officialy have a plan.

That’s right – I have a plan.

The plan starts with me not being humble at all. I am a web designer and I know how to get to first page Google within two months. I also know how to create a website that sells. These things I have not considered thoroughly enough as being assets for selling becoming a published novelist. I came upon a pdf file of some poor writer who self-published through lulu and failed miserably (several times) the end of the pdf was that she was finally happy with her book covers and she sold a couple a month etc. I looked at her website and her book covers and could not believe she sold any a month. It also just so happens that I’ve been an editor and layout/print designer for eight years. Funny how until I read that pdf that none of this became very obvious to me. I have the experience in the industry to already know not to make the mistakes that she made. I also have enough experience in the industry that I know most people buy books online these days.

That’s right – Most people buy books online now.

Book stores are barely surviving. I know this because I’ve been in the industry close enough, for long enough, that most people buy online these days. And most of them buy used books from Amazon (if they’re smart -  I just bought a used Stephen King book for 1 cent yesterday).

On top of all of that my writers’ group (The Jackpine Writers’ Bloc) has several ISBNs more than they will ever need and are willing to give me one for free for my book. On top of that my aunt happens to be the most incredibly thorough editor I have ever seen and she’s already told me she would edit my book for me. Take note on my last sentence because on top of everything else I think this kind of editing is really what separates the shitty self published books from the publishing company books. Because of the cover, my layout design and Sharon’s professional editing. My book will not look self published but professionally finished. Also if I publish through Lulu with an ISBN I can use their marketing tools for free and that means: A Free Amazon Listing.

So Far I’ve Only Spent $15

That’s right. Only $15 and that’s for the domain registration because we have our own server and that means free hosting for me. Does it seem a little like I haven’t utilized the tools that have been given to me in the past? You’re damned right. But, I also haven’t had a finished book in the past so regardless of what I’m capable of: I won’t push or try to sell a book I’m not proud of. But now, if you haven’t noticed, I’m just about done with my book and I have the time and I can afford $15 to get my website up.

So, Here’s the Plan.

1. Register the domain embracedbydarkness.com ($15)
2. Commission an incredible bad-ass cover. ($?)
3. Get my aunt to edit my book for me. ($?)
4. Use the cover graphics to create a stunning website at the domain. ($0)
5. Launch the book on lulu (with lulu marketing) and the website ($0)
6. Pay per click advertising on Facebook using bad ass cover ($?)
7. Pay for banner advertising on DeviantArt using bad ass cover for 1 to forever ($20 per month)

Now, a couple of things I already have wrong that you may point out. First off, I really need to get my book on lulu and get lulu marketing going ASAP long before I do anything else (besides getting my domain name) because lulu marketing (getting my book in amazon listings etc.) can take up to eight weeks and I would really rather have all of the finished and set before I start paying for advertising. Regardless though, I won’t put my book up in lulu until the cover is finished so that’s priority #1 and, God knows, I’ve got absolutely no money. So, as I hope that someone may give me a commissioned cover for free, I know that that is really far fetched.

Wondering why I chose Deviantart Ads?

I bought Banner Advertising through Deviantart years ago when I was selling photography prints (or trying to). I sold a few but that wasn’t the point. The point was that I got over a thousand clicks a day for only $20 a month. It was impressive. And the Deviantart people are my kind of people. Most of them are fantasy gamers that are very much so online rats like the rest of us. In other words, the people on DA are the kind of people who would buy a fantasy book online, and God knows they would notice bad ass cover graphics in an ad and fucking click on it to take them to my even more bad ass website.

Meanwhile, I’m still working on Embraced by Darkness

I finished the first thorough read through and then speed read through the book again cutting and cutting and cutting. Last time I updated my blog the book was over 170,000 words now its down to about 163,000. That’s still not good enough for me. I am determined to cut the book down to at least 150,00 but if I could get it under 150,00 than I believe I’ll have a real something that I could sell to an agency or a publishing company.

But I’m not just cutting thoughtlessly: with every cut I am trying to improve the book. I am reading a book right now (because despite that I am pouring everything I’ve got into my own book I am always reading something besides) called Getting Into Character by Brandalinn Collins. It’s a book focusing on what a novelist can learn from actors on how to develop three dimensional characters. It’s really got me thinking and I’ve been jotting notes down while I read it in bed as I get ideas to change Embraced by Darkness, especially Osondrous, and make it more clear and focused.

I can’t tell you how much I look forward to being able to start a book from scratch. I have learned so much from having to go through this monster so many times. I know one thing for certain: I never want to have to do this again. Any book I write from here on out I am going to have a concise and very clear plan from start finish, from scene to scene. I will never write willynilly again. My boyfriends been joking, “At this point you could have just re-written the whole thing and not had so much damned editing and cutting to do.” Very depressingly, but at this point, he’s right. But there’s no going back now.

Meanwhile. Once the book is done. As you might imagine. I am going to be sending out to every Fantasy/Sci-fi agent I can find. Hopefully, somewhere, I am going to be noticed. What really terrifies me is that I better start working on the sequel.

I started this blog entry the night before last, after I had spent several hours looking for scfi-fi/fantasy places to be published and I still had part 4 of my book to go through. I felt good and I was so enthused that I named the blog post “Actual Hope” though I got nothing else written in it. I found eight places (mostly magazines) that pay and accept scfi-fi/fantasy stories. I’m excited about it and have already sent off one of my short stories for consideration. I have plans to work on four more and get those sent off as soon as possible. I’ll be so excited if just one of them gets accepted. What’s really neat is that most of them urge for novel excerpts so I’m already working on pulling some stories out of The Death of Eliana and I’m working on the same for Embraced by Darkness. For some reason all of this has made me feel pretty good. I’ve also bought some cheap back issues of most of the places; research is a must.

Meanwhile I also found seven different scfi-fi and fantasy publishing companies that accept unsolicited submissions. Woot! Though I know the reaction I’m probably going to get from all of them. “Your book’s too damn long. We can’t publish anything over 120 thousand words.” Still, knowing that those publishing houses are out there, looking for books like I want to write, and being willing to take unagented submissions is pretty fucking awesome.

And I have been working on my book. I said in the beginning of this post that the night before last I was down to Part 4 – the end of the book. If you can believe it, I’m feeling pretty good about how the whole thing is reading. There was some doubt throughout the beginning of the book and, of course, I need to work on those places. But, last night, I finished it.

I finished the first complete read-through after putting my book back together!

Without a doubt, the last half of my book is a better read than the first half. I’m hoping I can cut even more but as it stands the book is now down to 173,052 from 236,743 when I started this last push a few months ago.  That’s sixty thousand words that I’ve managed to cut. My boyfriend has taken to teasing, “How much did you delete of all your hard work today? Did it go well?” And I’ll say, “Oh yeah, I just love slaughtering it!” But, the truth of the matter is, that I’m actually not deleting any real substance from the book. Any real writer will know that what I’m doing is just improving what’s already there.

I literally sit and think, “How can I say that in less words?”

The biggest hardship I ran into in this last read through is that, because Karalay’s story is shorter, things were happening for her way before they were spurred to happen for the other characters. I.E. Karalay was reacting to Osondrous becoming queen before she actually became queen. Now, I know a lot of books do that deliberately and there was a part of me that wanted to leave it because the book was so happy and organized as it was. But, I decided, that because of the scope and size of my book, I needed to help my readers out and keep my three characters as close to the same time line as I could. So I had to change my method in Part 1 of the book.

If you’ve been keeping up with my blog posts than you know that I decided to break the book into four parts and omit chapters all together. In each part of the book I ended up going from Osondrous to Karalay to Jezaline to Osondrous to Karalay to Jezaline and then moved on to the next part. But because of Karalay’s shorter story and the fact that she HAD to end my book and the fact that she was the main character in my Epilogue I decided to pull half of her story out of Part 1 and move all of her story down. So Part 1 is now going from Osondrous to  Jezaline to Osondrous to Karalay to Jezaline and then moving on to Part 2. See diagram. None of the other Parts have changed but I feel this was necessary and the fact of the matter is, no one reading the book is going to care or notice.

I want to cut more.

It’s painful and it’s true. I need to cut more and I want to cut more. There are two places in the book I hope I can slice more of it out, maybe not more than a few thousand words but if I can get the book down into the hundred and sixty thousand word area I think it will look better. Really anything shorter than it is now will look better to publishers.

But I’m not going to start cutting rashly. I’m going to read through it, one more time, and cut as I go. I hate to say it, and it does pain me quite a bit, but the truth of the matter is the places I’m thinking of cutting are out of Jezaline and Karalay’s stories which is pretty frustrating because Osondrous has the most words in the book. But, as I’m typing this I am thinking of a place in Osondrous’ story too that I noticed. When I read through it again I really hope I can cut them down without mercy and maybe “crosses fingers” even cut another ten thousand words out of the book.

So, wish me luck!

So I’m working through the final line edit of my monster book. And I am plagued. It feels so much like the longer I work on this the more I doubt my decisians, myself, my writing, my book.

Rejection

I’ve been dealing with a lot of rejection lately. Where I thought I was a shoe in to at least get a couple of short stories and poems published this year. They were all rejected. All of them.

The rejections are hard. Probably the hardest part of being a writer and the most absolute part of being a writer. You will be rejected; constantly. I know I am a decent writer. I know what I’ve submitted this year and in the past have been solid writing. However, I have come up against the wall of Minnesota. The wall that says, “We just don’t want what you write.” I can’t tell you how many times I have been rejected and then later met and the editor and I thought, “No wonder.” They didn’t want what I’m writing.

My writing is too cutting edge, too hard core, too in your face, too rock. And it always will be. In Minnesota what gets published again and again are vacation stories. Inspirational stories. Stories about working on your little log cabin. Stories written by baby boomers. I am rejected before I even start.

So do I change my writing?

Do I write the cutesy shit that makes me gag so I get published?

Do I pretend I’m a Grandma who remembers being taught how to cook from her grandma? Or a grand daughter who just can’t believe how sweet her daughter is? Do I pretend to find God in mere coincidence so someone will publish me? Do I pretend how amazing the water was on the lake last night even though it’s the same fucking water it’s always been?

I’m angry. I’m annoyed. I am hearing the same advice and truth I’ve given other writers a million times.

Good writing doesn’t get published. What the Editor likes gets published.

I am at a loss. You want to believe that if you work hard enough than you will get published. But that’s just not how it is. Day in and day out I am facing rejection. I am facing people telling me that my work is too realistic, too scary, too goth, too hard core, not sweet enough. How often have I seen people grimace with distaste not at my writing but at my story? How many times has my writing been so good that I have made people creeped out and even feel hate for one of my characters? Shouldn’t that be a good thing? The worst thing I can think of is that people would call my work “boring”. And yet, I’m getting rejected, while the most boring shit I’ve ever read is getting published. God forbid anyone publish something that pushes the envelope.

No one wants to read a hard story these days. I was sitting at a family gathering the other day and heard several adults there talking about how much they hate Stephen King’s books and how they only like books like Harry Potter and the Narnia series. I couldn’t say anything because what I would say to that would be nothing good.

Twilight.

I’m going to use the Twilight books as a comparison to what I would never do. Did I think the Twilights were okay? Of course, I’m a girl, who couldn’t love Edward? But by the last book I couldn’t stand them anymore. Not for the story but for the terrible disrespect of the story and the characters.

I guess I’ve been reading too many Pulitzer prize winning books. God knows, Twilight doesn’t compare. In fact Twilight looks like shit in comparison to Gilead (Marilyn Robinson) and the many other fantastic books that are out there to read today. I’ve come to the final realization of the major difference between the writer of the Twilight Series and the writer of Gilead and Good Housekeeping.

It’s About Respect.

When you read a book like Gilead you feel as though you are getting a real glimpse to a real person’s existence. You do not become the character, instead, you see the character. You see them in all of their incredible imperfections. In all of their grief and tragedy. In all of their triumphs and in their deaths. In the Twilight series, from the first sentence, it reads like fake fiction. The main character is an idiot. Stupid, one dimensional, shockingly unrealistic. Written in this way so the reader will become the main character. Written so the main character never rocks the boat, never makes a decision the reader wouldn’t like. never becomes a real person.

Gilead is an incredible show case of an author writing a story with unflinching respect for the main character and the decisions he must make, regardless of who doesn’t like it. Stephen King does this in all of his books as well. They are entirely character and story driven. You don’t become the character, you become their shadows. You follow them through all of their terrible and great days. And you stand in awe as the author lets those character make their decisions. And the author writes their stories without ever interrupting. Instead they read as though the authors don’t exist. It’s just the character, it’s just the story. And that is incredible to me.

Something like Twilight simply pisses me off. Where there is incredible writing in the world today, it’s a series like Twilight that the world wants to read. Regardless of good writing. No one gives a rat’s ass. The world wants a quick fix that they won’t have to think about, that won’t interfere or bother their little lives in anyway.

And Then There’s Me.

I don’t want to write a one dimensional, unrealistic, idiotic character that people can be. I want to write about a realistic, multi-dimensional person that people can see. I don’t want to write the easy stories. I don’t want to write boring shit that people forget. So, that makes me an absolute reject.

I want to be the writer of a Clockwork Orange and Animal Farm and Farenheit 451 of my generation. But I don’t think anyone will ever publish me to give me the chance. So I keep writing. I keep working. And I do hope that I will find the agent that appreciates this kind of writing. One day. I guess we’ll see.

Well, I said very apprehensively in my last post that my next post will be, hopefully, saying that I have finished Karalay’s part of the book and am starting the work of putting my good back together. Well..

It’s better than that!!

Yesterday I sat down at about 2 o’clock in the afternoon and at 9 thirty I finished going through Karalay’s portion of the book the second, and last, time. I was so excited I could barely hold myself back from putting the book together to spend time with my boyfriend and my mom. But I did. I took a break and didn’t go back to my book until nearly 11 thirty.

Than I got to it. And I’m just going to say it: it was fucking hard and stressful.

I wanted to put my book back together in an organized and thoughtful way. I had roughly the same amount of pages between Karalay and Jezaline but Osondrous had about 30 more than that. I wanted four part and to have about an equal amount of pages in each of the four parts of the book. I had already decided how far into the book the Epilogue would go (that was easy because I had already done that though this is the first time I’m calling it an Epilogue, I’m still not sure about that). And I decided to number the pauses in the book (where most people might put chapters) starting at 1 and going up through each of the parts and the epilogue too. I did not indent the epilogue though, I wanted it to look unique from the rest of the book and, though I know they are important, I hate the way paragraph indents look. I chose a Nimbus sans font for the whole book because it’s easy to read and really uses the line space. I used a Palantino for the Part, Epilogue and Title font. Not that any of that really matters. I’m a book designer, I can’t help it, so sue me.

Putting the Monster back together. Snout to Tail.

I wanted to remain consistent and organized while still having the book line up (you can imagine that some things happen in Osondrous’ story that can’t happen until other things happen in Karalay’s story etc.). At first I started Part 2 WAY too early and that helped me absolutely determine how the book was going to go. It would be Karalay, Osondrous/Constance, Jezaline and then all three of them one more time. So two parts from each of their stories for every part of the book.

The worst moment was when I realized I hadn’t been using enough of Osondrous’ story and well before she became queen Karalay was responding to the fact that she had become queen (a very vital happening in my book). So I had to take from Osondrou’s story in part four and add it in to part three and take from part three and add that in to part two to get her story to line up properly again. I knew people would be reading more from Osondrous’ part but, because I had to go back and shift her story around, I’m left anxious and worried on how the whole thing is going to read.

In the last rewrite of my book I broke entirely out of any system I had and just jumped between the girls as I saw fit. I like this way better. It feels stronger, I just hope it actually is.

So, happy new year to me!!

I am continuing in the last read through of my beast put all back together again. It is 330 eight and half by eleven pages and 181,000 words. At first I was down that it was still that high in word count but I just did the numbers and I ended up cutting over 55,000 words from the book! That’s a NaNoWriMo! So I am excited and feel good about the work I’ve done and about my monster. I have already read through the first ten pages and cut some and edited some. It read just fine and I can’t wait to get it printed in lulu and given to my aunt, my mom and my boyfriend.

Doubt

I’m terrified. I know that you can’t allow fear of failing to stop you from trying. But what if they don’t like my book when they read it? This is absolutely the best I can do right now. Period. This is as good a writer as I can be and if this isn’t this great, after all of this work, I will be devastated.

Keep it in perspective, Ta!

Of course, that is what I need to do. My book might not make anybody cry or even care much but I do believe it’s a fine book and it is so close to finished. I started this thing ten years ago and I’ve never felt this good about it before. I am truly entering the edit stage now and I will report back. I hope I will say in my next post, at least:

That it’s not too bad.

Other thoughts: I hate every word processor on the market. Hate. I have tried every program for writers in existance and none of them come close to what I actually need. I use Open Office and it is an absolutely fabulous text editor and it is free! But for putting a novel together none of them work for me. Most novel writing software forces you to save chapters separately etc. I hate that. (Yes, I’m going to be using the word hate a lot) So I’ve always ended up back in Open Office with my whole book in one massive document (like right now).

All I want, and I finally, truly, figured it out last night, is a tab system. I want down on side by the scroll bar there to be tabs that I can add that will jump me to certain parts of the book. I would like to create a tab for every part of my book so if I want to go to Part Four I just click the tab and I’m there (instead of scrolling for hours, that’s basically all I did last night scroll). I want to be able to create a tab for important moments, for all of Karalay, Osondrous and Jezaline’s parts of the story etc. Is this too much to ask??

One day I will design the perfect text editor for writers.

Well, I finally got through Karalay. Who knew? I knew I just needed one day. Just one. I can get through forty thousand words in a day. That seems to be my limit. That’s not writing forty thousand words but going through, cutting, adding and editing. I find that my limit of writing, if I have all day and a clear outline, is about seven thousand words in a day. Though I have written more. It really depends on what I’m working on and whether I’m motivated.

Like the other characters switching my writing soul to Karalay and really getting into her head and focusing on her took time. The switch between characters is not a quick thing for me. This is something I have found excessively frustrating. It means the first twenty thousand words can take me three weeks while the last three quarters of her part of the book takes me three days. I hope this is something I can really work on and improve about me but I’m not sure if that’s possible.

Karalay’s epic end.

The reason I chose to do Jezaline first was because she was the main character I had that was not the start nor the end of the main story of my book. I did her first because she was shorter and less important. Than I did Osondrous because she was absolutely my beginning and then I worked on Karalay because she was absolutely my end. The last nearly half of her story was the epic fight that concluded my novel. Who will win? Who will die? And it was damn fun when I finally reached that part of her story and got myself into it.

Strange things.

It’s funny what I remembered of my book and how it was written and what it actually was. It turned out to be two completely different things. Where I thought I was going to have a lot to cut from Karalay’s story, because of just plain stupid excessive writing, turned out not to be the case at all. Once I deleted Karalay’s first twenty thousand words (because earlier this year I wrote a new beginning for the whole novel) she became a trimmed down little chick with less words devoted to her than either of the other two characters. It surprised me and disappointed me. Where I knew I had a lot to add and re-write to give Jezaline justice I was not prepared for that with Karalay. Though Osondrous took me a long time most of her story was just cutting and I expected the same with Karalay. It’s just not the case. I have quite a bit to add and change now that I’ve gone through her once.

So the real editing begins.

I’ve begun Karalay’s line-by-line edit and addition. It’s the last real hurdle of my book and I am both apprehensive, excited and, most importantly, I feel really well prepared. Well prepared for me means I am thinking about her, I am motivated and I have twelve sticky notes stuck to my monitor of every thing I must add to her story to give it more depth and clarity. My most important addition will be the laying on of fear for her life and, hopefully, the readers. Where there should be this slow sickly building of tension there just isn’t yet quite enough mentioned in the beginning of the book to make my readers aware that they should be anxious. I hope I am capable of adding tension. We’ll see.

The best boyfriend in the world.

Yup, that’s my guy. We’ve been together for over six years now and I simply have the most wonderful boyfriend on the planet.

Why?

He got me the most thoughtful, useful gift I could have ever asked for. It is a beautiful, tiny laptop. In the past I have had massive laptops that I’ve been damn near embarrassed to take into public and have almost never used them on planes.

Not Anymore.

Now I have the perfect writing machine. I have been working on my book on the couch, in bed, at my desk, anywhere I want. It even has a seven hour battery life, something I have never even dreamed of before this. It’s beautiful, it’s an Acer and it is all mine.

No More Excuses.

Not that I had any before but now I am constantly tempted when I go to bed. There is my little laptop beside me and I want to write and now it is so easy.

Back North.

I made the thousand mile trip back north and am spending the next couple of months trying to make some money so we can truly finish our southern home and get it sold. My new years resolution will be entirely for me. Finish my book.

How much farther do I have to go?

I must line edit Karalay’s story. On a good, motivated day I could have that done in less than twenty four hours. But for now, I am enjoying some R&R and Christmas with my wonderful mom. We will be playing Guitar Hero, beating the new Mario that she got me for Christmas and finishing the hardest puzzles Walmart sold. After Karalay’s line-edit I will be attacking the daunting task of putting my book back together. I’m terrified or, as my boyfriend would say because my name is Tarah, I’m just “fied”.

So, cross your fingers for me.

Next week, when I report back, it is going to be to say that I have finished Karalay and have begun putting the beast back together, from nose to snout. The biggest thing I’m worried about is getting the cut offs between characters just right. I want people to be left hanging at the end of each of my girls parts. So, I’m afraid it’s going to be a very big task. On the other hand, it is my book and I do know it by heart. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Wish me luck.

I’ve come back to something time and time again. Something from a movie that came out quite a while ago. I’m not necessarily a love story fan or a scary movie fan. I’m just a fan. I like good movies regardless of genre. I am the same with books. I don’t care what they’re about, if they are done well, I’m a fan.

I’m talking about the movie Up Close and Personal starring Robert Redford and Michelle Pfeiffer. It’s a damn good movie, you should see it if you haven’t yet. It’s about a young reporter (Pfeiffer) who starts moving up the ranks with the help of Robert Redford who is a very old hat at reporting (and is also very good at it). At nearly the end of the movie Michelle Pfeiffer goes to a prison to do an interview. While she’s there there is a major prison break where, for a while, she’s in serious danger and the prisoners have total control of the prison. Once she gets out they put her in front of a camera immediately and she goes on to prove to Robert Redford that she doesn’t need him anymore. Where he would normally start coaxing her through her live report he doesn’t have to say a word.

In the movie they have her start talking on live camera and before he says anything to her statements, he types them. Then it turns out as she talks that he doesn’t have to say a word. She does it perfect, answers everything he would have said. This is how the dialogue ended up in the movie (her dialogue in quotes his typing in italics)

“Twenty-four hours ago, I came to Holmesburg Prison…”
Why?
“to report on how Governor George McBride new “get tough’policies… were affecting one convict. It was meant to be A Day in the Life of Fernando Buttanda.”
Whose that?
“Fernando Buttanda was not a good man by society’s standards. He was not even a good man by his own standards.”
Why do we care?
“Recently, however, in a job-training program here at Holmesburg… Fernando began to learn nursing skills. He volunteered to work in the prison hospital… at some risk to himself, with violent patients. He was good at it. He liked doing it.”
What does this have to do with anything you’re talking about?
“A month ago, Governor McBride, who is campaigning for reelection… on the pledge to “reform” other Pennsylvania prisons… as he “reformed” Holmesburg, canceled this program. “A prison is about punishment.” He added, “it’s not about another chance.” During the next weeks, we’ll hear a lot about what prisons should be. A lot opinions as to why this riot occurred, in this place, at this time. Many fixes will be proposed, many answers formulated. Inside Holmesburg Prison last night, answers were harder to come by. What we do know is that fifteen prisoners died… including Fernando Buttanda. This is Tally Atwater, W.F.I.L. News, Holmesburg Prison.”

She nailed it, without Robert Redford ever having to say a word. She answered his immediate probes about her report before he could even speak.

I’ve kept this in mind and come back to it again and again with my writing. I write a sentence and think “Why does my reader care?” I write another sentence and think “Why?” I write another sentence and think, “What does that have to do with what I wrote initially?”

It’s a good exercise. We’ve all heard the overused and often completely miss-used quote of “Omit needless words”

I don’t write by adding I write by thinking “Why does that need to be in the book? Why does my reader give a rats ass about that?” And if I don’t have a good answer, than I remove it from the book. It makes me a very unforgiving editor. I’ve read too many short stories that that question above actually deleted in my mind, completely. Not just a few words but the entire story had no good reason for existing. Before you start writing ask your self, “Why does this even need to be written?” “Why would anyone want to read it?” If you can’t answer those two simple questions well enough than it’s probably not worth writing. Accept for the practice. To become a good writer you need to write the shit stories too, just don’t submit them anywhere.

The Dawning

Good fiction writers to me are similar to really good reporters. They know they have absolutely no time and their audience has no attention span. They have to start where its important, eliminate all bull shit and never, ever lie in any conceivable way. When people pick up a book they start by trusting the author to guide them safely and intelligently through a great ride/story. The moment a fiction author tells them something they don’t need to know, the moment the writer even bores them is the moment most general fiction readers stop trusting the author and that’s not far from throwing the book away.

When I talk about the dawning I’m talking about an author impressive me with their insight. I’m talking about the “oh wow” moment, “I hadn’t even thought of that but of course!!” When it dawns on the reader while their reading it or the writer while they’re writing it. It is the very best moment of fiction. This is the moment I strive for every day. I slave over my books trying to see the angles other people wouldn’t normally consider. The things that would be obvious to you if you were one of my characters and living it. These are the things that make fiction grand.

But they’re not easy to see or to find. I had one of these moments the other night. I have been trying desperately to fully see my character Karalay. I know what she’s going and trying to see deeper than that, trying to see the normal play out of events if this was actually happening. I’ve been beating my head on this wall.

Then it happened.

It dawned on me.

A wonderful thought, idea, moment. I sat down and wrote it the next day, stunned that I had been working on Karalay more than I had ever thought. I’m so excited to be a writer right now. I’m almost done with Karalay.

I am struggling through Karalay’s portion of Embraced by Darkness now. Stuggling? Well, actually that’s not accurate, I haven’t worked on it for a few days now and I feel damn bad about it

We drove a thousand miles north two weeks ago and stayed a week where I belong. It was just impossible to work while I was there. All I wanted was R&R after the drive and everything. I also had several very early and very far away meetings for jobs to get out of the way. Not to mention personal things like doctors apointments and hair cuts. Being away from home so much is so inconveniant. I end up with so damn much to do while I’m there its just crazy. Not to mention people to see. I have a lot of family that I don’t get to see very much (just like everybody else it seems) so I ended up with four thanksgivings to go to. So after you add all of that up and squeeze it into ten days and give me some down time on the floor snuggling with my dogs. Well, it just doesn’t leave much time for writing.

We finally got our butts back here and I’m already losing time so fast I’m panicking. Two days ago this was my to do list before I can leave:

Add in over a hundred products for mjsportandoutdoor.com (a website I’m doing)

Finish a web design for Computer Services of Durant

Finish a book I’m designing for Marsha C. Porter

Finish Candace Simar’s new website (and add in email lists)

Finsh the newsletter the LOMPlighter for mnpoets

Finish figuring out the shipping problems for another site I’m doing neitherwolfnordog.com

Finish and get working a new Electronic Submission form for the JWB for The Talking Stick

Start and finish the church website including getting their logo scanned in and finished.

Finish three very important xmas presents, Joseph is the only one that knows how to do it!!

On top of all of that there is work we MUST finish on the house before I leave and that list is: Finish epoxying and fixing the tub/shower upstairs and spray finish it. Put linoleum down in the bathroom and closet upstairs. Install upstairs bathroom vanity and finish it. Install furnace upstairs. Take all four doors back that are the wrong size and install the new ones (so help us God).

To be able to take those doors back we have to pick up Joseph’s brother’s truck which is almost an hour drive away. So we’re going to kill two birds with one stone tonight and go to the Xmas party for Computer Services of Durant and get his brother’s truck on the way back.

FINISH MY BOOK!!

There are other things on that list but I hate listing them as “things to do” like going out with Joseph one more time before I go and going to his family’s x-mas party next Saturday. And Joseph and I are going to have our own little xmas together before I go. I hope I can bake a ham and maybe scalloped potatoes sometime this week and we’ll exchange gifts. Not to mention we are going out one night too, hopefully to Red Lobster

So, that’s my life. Everything just listed above and there’s more (I’m certain I forgot something) that must get done before I leave on the 21st. That is eight days away. I’m freaking out a little and starting to feel panicked. I am a stubborn wench when it comes to goals. If they kill me or not I do reach them when I need to.

What sucks the worst is that I only need one day to finish Karalay’s portion of my book. ONE DAY!

I just don’t think I’m going to get it before I go. Right after I post this I have hurry up stairs and get the tub/show unit upstairs sanded down. And I’m crossing my fingers that I won’t have to epoxy it again before we spray it. Tomorrow morning we’re taking the doors back, getting the paint for the tub, picking up a few things to finish those xmas presents I mentioned up there, getting the right-sized doors, picking up the linoleum and glue that we need (crossing fingers that they even HAVE a remnant big enough for what we need to do the closet and the bathroom with).

On top of all of that Joseph’s father went in for surgery this week and Joseph ended up losing several days of work. Joseph’s dad is okay though, thank God. Joseph will now need to make up all of that work this week (because we simply can’t do without those three days of money) So he’ll be working at his computer desperately all week except when I drag him away for xmas with me, xmas with his mother, Red Lobster with me and to lay linoleum and install doors.

There is just not enough time in the day

I feel exhausted and pathetic. Balancing working on this damn house and finally get the renovations done (once I finish everything on the list up there we can install carpet throughout the house, that means DAMN CLOSE TO FINISHED AND SOLD!!). And trying to get my own personal work done for our business is becoming daunting. We’ve been trying to finish this house in Oklahoma for three years now and I’ll be damned if it takes much more of my time. I belong in Minnesota, not in Oklahoma under any circumstances. This house has taken a good two years longer than we thought it would and I thought I was coming down here this last time to finally fucking finish it. But, that’s not how our money situation is turning out. And Joseph, as much as I love him, does very little to no work on the house when I’m not here. The entire project of getting this house done is entirely on me. And, the truth is, I’d rather die that have to be in this shitty state any longer. (For those of you that like Oklahom, well, good fuck for you.) So, among everything on that list, I must get those house things done because I feel certain they will not be done if I don’t get them done and I’ll come back in three months and find everything just waited for me.

I’m going north on the 21st to stay through to March in and attempt to make some serious money. I have an $8,000 opportunity in Fargo up north that I absolutely cannot say no to. It is medical testing, so just call me “testee” and I will need to drive an hour and a half to Fargo every day for two and a half months. But, it’s $8,000 and we desperately need the money. So I’m going to do it.

And in the end, all I wanna do is finish my book.

I want to go back to Karalay, I have only 30,000 words left for her and that’s peanuts to what I have been doing. I just want to settle in for day and get it done, finally. But I’m afraid I would have to sacrifice something I’m doing professionally to do something for myself and that’s just not in the cards. I’m terrified I’m going to lose so much of the roll I’ve had going on this monster of mine. But, I guess we do what we have to. No matter what.

The opinion of writers groups varies entirely across the board. There are some people, authors and writers, who swear by them as support structures and then there is a much, much larger majority (mostly of successful published authors) who believe writers groups are nothing less than highly destructive. In this post I’m going to explore the reasons why writers groups have got such a bad reputation and also why, in some cases, they have a very good reputation.

My writers group, my aunt, and I, have become something of celebrities in our writing piece of Minnesota. What we have become and done for many years is unprecedented. We have stayed together, kept motivated, welcome new members and all of our members have become published authors. We have also kept our fourteen year old book churning out year after year, publishing Minnesota authors (without a reading fee) and offering $1500 worth of prizes every year. We have no membership dues and rely mostly on benefits to keep us publishing and supporting Minnesota writers year after year. We are a nonprofit and we are proud of what we have accomplished. The Jackpine Writers’ Bloc.

Writers alone in the woods

There are many different types of writers that come and introduce themselves to our group. The one defining quality of almost all of them is that their writing has never been read by anyone outside their families. They have basically never conversed with other writers and are a little terrified. They hold their work against their chest like it’s a light sensitive baby and when they come to our monthly meetings and read it, they go either one way or the other.

Can’t take critisism

Writers who absolutely cannot take criticism and seem to believe that while they’ve been off writing alone in the woods they have become Hemmingways. While we sit through their reading we’re left giving critique and support to deaf ears. We find out soon enough that this writer came for only one thing. To read in front of other writers and have those other writers bow before their brilliance.

I absolutely cannot say this enough. Not only is your writing not great or interesting but the majority of it is downright SHIT. No matter how good it may or not be it can be IMPROVED. Until you’re willing to improve as a writer and hear criticism you are a complete waste of time to other writers. And you’re a complete waste of time to yourself and you will never improve as a writer. But I guess if you think you’re perfect at this point anyway than you don’t need to improve. Do you?

Giving Criticism

I’m one lucky chick to have several long time highly published authors in my group. And many avid readers/writers. They give unique and interesting advice and have helped me in the past. The major problem with most writers’ groups is that they become full of a few very crappy writers, and very closed minded people.

Be Warned.

These people have destroyed many writers to make themselves feel better about their own shitty work. No, this is not how it always is but I think all writers groups have this sad truth within them at least a little bit. Every writers group has people who like and or dislike certain genres of writing and write themselves in a very specific genre. They cannot help but judge your writing against what they like.

The hardest thing to find is someone who can comment objectively on just the technique and form of the writing and not on the subject. This is an extremely rare person and is almost impossible to find. Do I think I am one of these people? As much as I possibly can be.

Whether you like it or not.

Your writing will be shaped by the opinions of the writers group. If you’re willing to take critique you fill find your writing will begin to take on different shapes. Read as much as you can and get as many opinions as possible about your writing. You will be able to glean and apply and grow faster than anyone else alive in your art of writing.

The Bad.

The only problem with a writers group (assuming they are good authors and readers who know how to critique properly and not just be stupid assholes) is that you can take it one step to far. It is possible to start writing to appease the people in your writers group. Never allow this to happen. Find your voice and stick with it. For years I have been the only commercial fantasy fiction writer in my group and they simply haven’t been able to help me much. It’s tough for poets and memoir-ists to make an intelligent critique on fantasy commercial fiction. But they are wonderful people and great writers in their own genre and I’ve taken their criticism as I would from anyone on the street picking up my book and reading it. As most novelists know good readers are damn hard to find but my writers group remains there for me, my encouragement and my support.

I will say it again.

You simply can not read enough, write enough, and get your writing read by enough people. Learn to glean from comments. If twelve out of thirteen people don’t like that line, consider changing it. If only one person doesn’t like it than everyone is entitled to her/his opinion. Know who your readers are and don’t be surprise if the love poet isn’t that fond of your horror novel. Take nothing personally and all of those readers will at least give you one very important thing.

Thick skin.

You know you’re going to need it when you actually want to get published. Become apart of the writers community in your area. Become a part of the writers of this country. Know what you’re trying to get into, don’t be shy. The longer you hide behind those trees the harder it will be to break in to the industry. As long as you’re careful to stay objective, take every opinion worth a grain of salt, becoming a part of a writers community will benefit you.

In writers groups across the country November has become synonomous with NANOWRIMO. That is (to those of you who don’t know): National Novel Writing Month. From the website you can get this description of what exactly it means to be a part of NANOWRIMO:

>>National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30. Valuing enthusiasm and perseverance over painstaking craft, NaNoWriMo is a novel-writing program for everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by the time and effort involved. Because of the limited writing window, the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It’s all about quantity, not quality. The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly.<<

(From the center news section of my writers’ group’s website you can read the status reports and info of all ten of our members who are trying to complete NANOWRIMO.)

I don’t really get it.

Obviously you’re probably wondering what somebody like me would think of something like NANOWRIMO. I think it’s absolutely wonderful for the people that participate. And for the writers that finish. I think it’s a great confidence booster and I think it’s a way to find ideas and reach beyond yourself/farther into you’re own imagination than you normally would. NANOWRIMO is a cool motivational tool.

However, I do not think it is real novel writing. Am I being a snively little brat? You’re damn right. The very idea that someone would call what they’re accomplishing in four weeks the exact same name of what I’ve been working on for ten years is damned offensive. I want to throw a fit and I can’t help it. I smile stonily, coldly, politely and I have never said a bad word about NANOWRIMO. But I can’t help but feel as though my work (and the years of extensive work made by thousands of novelists across the world) is belittled every year in November.

My writing averages out to 2 thousand words an hour. I could write 50,000 words in 25 hours. Where in the hell did they pull 50,000 out of? Most publishing companies won’t accept a 50,000 word “novel” because it’s too short.  I think it should be doubled. 100,000 word book would actually give people something to work with at the end. Something they can edit and cut from. Something they can shape. Right now, ending on 50,000 words just means if they want a full length book then they’re going to have to keep adding even after they “finished” NANOWRIMO.

“But that’s not what NANOWRIMO is about Tarah!” Okay, I’ll bite. I am fully aware this is a motivational tool to help bring out the stories in the people attempting it. It is also a confidence booster for those that manage to finish. It is not about having a book ready to publish after one month it’s about having the confidence to try to have a book ready SOMEDAY.  Because, it has been proven, most writers never start because they’re intimidated by the idea of a novel. NANOWRIMO changes all of that. Okay, but I still think that if National Novel Writing Month is not about finishing a full length novel in a month than they’ve got some serious false advertising going on!

Yeah, and I still don’t get it

Yup, I don’t. I just don’t. I’ve literally had mentors and friends of mine suggest I do NANOWRIMO to help “put away” my internal editor and learn “to just write”. Hmm. I’ve never told them that I’ve cut and added 50,000 words in less than a week on average for years working on my monster. But I don’t say these things because most writers seem to think that 50,000 is a big number. I don’t. And writers like me who would say something of how many words I work with generally are thought of as show-offs and liars and are usually not liked. So, no, I haven’t said anything outloud.

If I actually devoted myself to 50,000 words what I would end up with is a book just as far from finished as my rewrite is right now. I would do it in less than week and I would have another big chunk of writing that needs days and days of my utmost editting attention. The only thing I will accept from the NANOWRIMO idea is to work on my book like my life depends on it. Like I have an eight week deadline that will send me straight to hell if I don’t have a finished Embraced by Darkness. This has helped me keep working, keep focused and stay determined no matter what. Despite the doubt and the hesitation and my own cautiousness. Getting stuck somewhere in the book where I may be, unmoving, not progressing, for several weeks, is not an option. And it has been with this attitude that I started this blog. I have found this new attitude extremely helpful in keeping me focused, one-minded, attacking my book.

As of right now I have spent four days without looking at Embraced by Darkness. It is the longest I have spent away from it in six weeks. I have deleted over 30,000 words from the book (roughly averaging to every thousand words that I end up deleting have been added and deleted about three times throughout the process. So when I say 30,000 I actually mean I have been fiddling around with 90,000 words). Does all of that sound like an astronomical amount? I’ve never professed these number to any person, especially my writers’ group. I’m afraid they’ll think I’m showing off or they simply won’t believe me. But this is my blog and I am determined to be as honest and as tedious with my “book-keeping” as possible. Regardless if anyone ever reads this. This blog is about me.

I have finished going through, adding, deleting and re-writing two thirds of the book and finished line-editing one third of the book. Thinking of it like this I literally feel my heart sore. Two thirds done… How bout that? I have been trying to get back to my book the past two days because I finished Osondrous’ story and need to go back through it and line-edit it and I’ve had some trouble getting motivated. But now I see, what am I waiting for? I’m almost done!

As I have been trying to go back to my book I have felt Embraced by Darkness coming back to me. It always does. Not matter how long it’s been or how much of a break my mind and spirit needed from writing. My books have always come back to sit at my subconscious and touch in to my everyday thoughts and actions. And when this happens, I start to get excited and I start to reach for it. When we meet is when I am at my most productive and my next post I am determined will say “I finished line-editing Osondrous and I have begun Karalay’s story. The last story of Embraced by Darkness.”

Then what?

That’s too scary to contemplate. Once I’ve finished Embraced by Darkness and my years and years of work is as done as it can be. Than we all know what comes next. If I have the balls and the funds to send my monster out I am guaranteed a mountain of rejection letters and wasted money that I don’t have to throw away.

Doubt.

But I am going to finish Embraced by Darkness anyway and when it’s done I’m going to go to my next book; The Death of Eliana. And then my next book and then my next. They all sit at my subconscious and touch in to my everyday thoughts and actions. I will work on a book the rest of my life, I know this now. Whether I am ever a published novelist. This is what I’m going to be doing.